


The Natural Order of Things

by jeweledleaves



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Awkward Romance, Bruising, Gen, Gore, Imperialism, Kissing, Maybe - Freeform, Mentions of hunting, More tags as I progress, Plot, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Reader is a potty mouth, Sex, Slow Burn, Some Humor, Strong Language, Unreliable Narrator, Violence, mentions of colonialism, snuggles, some deviation from canon plot, there is sex now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-06-03 12:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 42,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6610201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeweledleaves/pseuds/jeweledleaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't like you had PLANNED on saving Commander Ren's life that day, and it CERTAINLY wasn't like you had planned on developing force powers to do it.<br/>You did, however, and now you had to deal with the consequences.<br/>Your entire life aboard the Finalizer was about to change, all thanks to the First Order's favorite force wielding mass murderer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which you can't seem to stay Conscious

The med-bay of the Finalizer was busier than usual.  
Not surprising considering all of the wounded, both mentally and physically, that were currently there after the fall of the Starkiller base. People were everywhere, really, the bustle and hum of conversation falling into the background of your aching head. That type of chatter would have normally lulled you into a sense of calm, but now it only set you on edge.  
As you sat there in your tiny, curtained area of the bay one thing was clear, you were totally, 100% fucked.  
More fucked than you had ever been before, and you couldn’t help but think to yourself, more fucked than you would ever be ever again if you managed to made it through the week alive. 

Suddenly it seemed like all the chatter stopped, like you had fallen into a trance.  
You hadn’t meant for this to happen.  
No, definitely not. It didn’t make any sense, what had happened back at the Starkiller base. A fluke, certainly. Something that had never happened before – wouldn’t happen again- you assured yourself. A false hope, at most. 

You weren’t special. 

You had graduated from the Academy almost 4 years ago, and had immediately begun working for the First Order, a member of General Hux’s diplomatic staff. 

It was your job to sit in on meetings, offering insight and nice little anecdotes on the many, many different cultures encountered by the Order on any given day. Did you shake hands with a Quor'sav (an almost absurd proposition, they were an avian species) or perhaps get to familiar with a female Rodian (not a good idea, Rodians are a notoriously violent bunch). Those where what you knew, questions you could answer.  
Every now and again you went on missions with your fellow aides to far off planets, selling the first order like ripe fruit at a marketplace, preaching your gospel of order to the masses.  
That was your job. That is all you had ever done outside of the academy, and you were good at it. Good enough to be recommended to the position by the Commandant himself, General Hux’s father. Good enough, apparently, to be trusted to do things diplomatic aids shouldn’t be doing. Things that were not your job.

Your job was not accidentally saving the life of the most terrifying man in the First Order.

Your job was certainly not suddenly developing crazy mind powers and flinging some strangely dressed woman halfway across a snowy battlefield

And your job was almost assuredly not dragging the unconscious body of THE Commander Kylo Ren from said battlefield and into the small craft that General Hux had sent you in.

Yet, here you were, in the med-bay having done all those things.

You could thank the general for this whole mess. So aggravated with Commander Ren that he couldn’t be bothered to get him even as the entire planet was exploding.  
There he was as the entire damn planet was collapsing on itself, giving you responsibilities. He had you and several other of his lieutenants, including your good friend Mitaka, go out to fetch the force using fright.  
“Bring him back, dead or alive.” Hux had said. Of course you all caught the grumbled “hopefully dead” as he stomped off to safety leaving you and your comrades at the mercy of time.

Time that was precariously close to running out when you finally got to Kylo Ren. When you had seen the girl raise up her own lightsaber, when a chill had gone down your spine like nothing you had ever felt before.  
It was like a floodgate had opened up inside of you. Emotions; pain, fear, fury, guilt, hopelessness, they filled your senses, overwhelming you. 

Where were they coming from? Who? Who could stop the pain that lit up your senses?

You could remember how you were trembling glancing back and forth at them – a split second in time, nothing more- before throwing up your arm and screaming, a voice that didn’t even sound like it belonged to you.  
“STOP!” and just like that the girl was flung back, back towards the body of the traitor Storm trooper you had seen earlier. 

Then everything was quiet. Unnaturally so. Including your mind. All you could think of was the sound of your own heartbeat, the flooding of the air into your lungs. A shuddered breath had left your mouth as you turned to face your coworkers.  
“Tell no one about this” You said, raising your palms up in supplication. “Please” you could hear the fear dripping from your own words as they all stood, staring at you, wide-eyed.  
“Tell no one about this” they all muttered back, in agreement you had hoped as you hurried quickly to the fallen knight. Who, luckily for you after your little moment, had mercifully had passed out, probably from the blood loss from his side wound.  
You quickly hauled his body up, flinging his arm over your shoulder. Glad the academy had made you strong enough to carry someone significantly larger than yourself. 

You tried your best to ignore the girl, and how she was scrambling to do the same with the traitor.

Tried to ignore your fear as you boarded your ship. 

Tried to ignore how lightheaded you were all the way up until you lost consciousness.

Now you were here. In the med-bay of the Finalizer, and Kylo Ren was definitely going to kill you for being force sensitive.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It just wasn’t fair. 

It wasn’t like you KNEW you were force sensitive. 

Yes you knew about the force, certainly more than the average first order member, but that had been a part of your schooling. An extracurricular exercise, if you will.  
You had spent days combing over the intricate details of the force, and of the Jedi. Even the Skywalkers weren’t a mystery to you. But that had been harmless learning, although in retrospect, you knew that when they pulled up your records it would look much more like an admission of guilt. 

But you hadn’t been force sensitive. There had been no sign. Your parents- They had never said anything. You couldn’t remember anything. You clutched at your temples, searching your own mind for a memory, for some clue. 

You had grown up hopping planets. Your father and mother were both wealthy, and had worked with the galactic senate for many years, but your loyalties, your family’s loyalties had always been to “order” whether that had been the empire, or the first order, it didn’t much matter. 

No surprise you were trained at the academy.  
Still. No force. Your parents weren’t sensitive, and you, they had tested you at the academy! There had been nothing, no hint. No reason for what happened back at the Starkiller- the glass at your bedside tipped, falling to the ground, the plastic noise reverberation on the sterile white floor. You jumped.

The force. Right. 

“Oh, still a little unsteady, hm?” You look up, a nurse had walked –hurried- into your cubicle. “Are you feeling well? You are a bit pale.”  
“Oh no, thank you. No really I am fine.” You smiled at the nurse, she was about your age, “I’m sorry about the water, I guess I must still be a bit out of it” That was true, you were exhausted.  
“It happens to everyone” She looked off. Nervous. Your heart sunk. “You hit your head pretty hard when you fell. I think the doctor wanted to keep you overnight.” A lie. Why?

“Yikes, well, I mean, okay, I guess. Does the General know? There isn’t any harm, I’m sure. I could stay if I needed too. But I think my boss should know?” You say, artificially cheerful. No need to bring this poor girl into this.  
“I’m Sarai.” She blurts out, pushing up her glasses back into her soft blonde hair. “I heard about what you did back at Starkiller.” Oh no. You paled before quickly giving her your own name in return.  
“Right. I didn’t do much” You joked, waving a hand in front of your face. You hadn’t…really.

“Yeah right! You single handedly drug Commander Ren off of the battlefield!” She exclaimed. You could feel your face heating up. Thank the force. Relief flooded through you. That was the story they chose to circulate. Not the other one. 

“Right, right. I did do that.” You conceded.  
“And everyone else there was a man! I can’t believe they made you do it” she continued, blabbering on. You sighed.  
“I think I was just better under pressure” A huge lie, you sucked under pressure. You cried before every exam you had taken in the academy and had almost thrown up the first time you had to give a speech. 

“I think I would have passed out.” Sarai gesticulates wildly, almost knocking over the glass of water at your sickbed.  
“Well I did pass out” you reply, laughing. You liked her. She was funny, and way more laid back than your coworkers. Perhaps you were a little starved for friendship, but if you needed another friend you had a feeling that Sarai would work. “But has someone told General Hux?”  
“Oh yes, the general knows.” Sarai waves a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about all that, since you basically saved our ace. The General can surely do without you for a few days.” 

A few moments of silence, you looked away as she cleaned up your spill with a rag.

“So…How is Commander Ren?” the question sounded more charged with emotion, and a little out of place, than you would have liked, but you certainly didn’t go through all that to have that man die on the table.  
Not that you thought he was dead. He wasn’t dead. You knew it. You gritted your teeth. You could feel it.  
“Oh he is stable.” She said her voice dropping to a whisper. “But whatever happened, he got hurt pretty bad. It was touch and go for a little bit. He had lost a lot of blood.” You nodded. There had been a nice scenic blood trail leading right up to where you had found him. There he had stood, you had never realized how young he was- 

Wait. You had never seen his face before. Not until then. The realization hit you like a wookie falling off a house (or perhaps shooting Commander Ren in the side). You had never seen Kylo Ren’s face until that moment. He had looked terrifyingly beautiful. Dark hair and eyes, pale like the snow. Had he not been surely about to get killed it would have been a lovely picture. Of course all of the gore sort of ruined it in retrospect.  
He was younger than you had imagined.

“He is still asleep” She said, patting your arm thoughtfully. “Which is probably the best for everyone, because he has quite the temper.” You snort.

“That is one way to put it. I’m not sure if the Finalizer can handle that level of damage.” You gesture out into the hall. “Can you imagine him tearing through the med-bay with his light saber?” If she couldn’t you certainly could. That shiny death stick was a horror, and you had seen what it could do to a control panel.  
“Uh yes.” She said, placing her hand over yours. “I have seen him do it. Honestly I don’t know where we get the money to keep up with his tantrums” She winked at you even as she stated something that would have surely gotten her killed had he been awake. 

It was all eerily relevant, because it wasn’t even a minute later that you heard a scream and crash from the other end of the infirmary. “Speaking of Commander Ren” Sarai sighed.  
“Stay in here” Your voiced dropped to a whisper. What was that Ren could do? He could read minds, that’s right.  
At this moment your mind harbored some very classified information you did not want him to know. 

Think happy thoughts, think of Mitaka, think of the General’s cat, think of your brother’s 9th birthday where you accidentally set your living room on fire. 

Yes that was a good memory. 

You gripped her hand tighter, feeling your face pale. Until you heard the sounds of his footsteps fading away. A deep breath, exhale.  
“Boy you are pretty scared of him.” Sarai said, gently untangling her fingers from yours.  
“Yeah he…uh…He and the General, they aren’t friends. I see a lot of the Commander, he is always destructive, and it puts me on edge.” Boom. Another lie. You saw him around, sure, but just his shadows, the whispers of his cloak, or the remnants of his destruction. Actual instances you had ever actually interacted with him were…One, outside of the whole saving his life thing. 

Right after you had started your job, you had been walking with the General when Ren had stopped him in the hall, and preceded to stare at you, through his mask, you could feel his eyes on you, for what seemed like hours but what was surely only a five or six minute conversation. It had unnerved you greatly. 

But now, you had to wonder. Had he sensed it then and just not thought it prudent to kill you? 

Did he know you didn’t know? All these questions. No answers. 

Were you shaking?

“Alright! Well your heart rate is increasing exponentially, and you may be having a panic attack.” You could hear Sarai’s voice, far off in the distance. It seemed like you weren’t even there anymore. That was all you remembered before you once again lost consciousness. 

Which is where…it seems…you remained for two days. Whether it was the mental exhaustion of using the force for the “first” time or the deep fear of your own death, you slept, for two days straight. On that third day, when you awoke, things were…different.


	2. In which you try and fail to do you job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it worth saving Kylo Ren that day on the battlefield?  
> Well you were about to find out! (spoiler alert: Nope, not worth it

Waking up on that third day your body had been sore. The weight of what had happened lying heavier on you than expected.

Luckily you awoke with enough neglected responsibility that it more than made up for the pool of dread sitting in your stomach.

First, you had a summons from the General, to find him immediately once you were deemed “healthy” enough to leave the med-bay.

You also had a card, written in a code you had created with Mitaka, to avoid all the basic literate people on base.

What happened- His script was sloppier than usual, a red flag–what happened out there, I don’t remember it, no one does, but Kylo Ren has seen fit to interview us all to find out. Just a heads up

P.S. Feel better

Mitaka.

You groaned. “Damn it all” and flopped back on your bed.

You had been given the clearance, by a cheerful Sarai, about 15 minutes earlier. You could leave whenever you felt ready.

You still didn’t feel ready.

You pushed yourself onto your feet. You’d have to be ready.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Perhaps you had expected everything to stop since the destruction of Starkiller, but it seemed that the only life that was fundamentally altered was your own.

People still were hurrying through the halls, datapads in hand. Storm troopers stalked the halls as though nothing had changed.

You made your way to the general’s office. Knowing, inherently, that that is where he would be. The sound of your lace up boots clicking softly against the floor.

Suddenly you realized you hadn’t changed clothes since the incident...

You were a mess.

Too late to turn back now. You knocked on his door. Waiting expectantly on the other side. This wasn’t like Starkiller, the Finalizer was smaller, a little rougher around the edges.

The door opens, you salute. “Sir.” Trying your best to maintain the straight backed, rigid pose required of a first order lieutenant.

“Ah, I received a message saying you were awake from Dr. Ximena a few moments ago.” He looks you up and down, his expression never leaving the category of slightly bemused. “You are always timely, but I am surprised you did not find it prudent to change clothing or perhaps-“ He wrinkles his nose. “Shower.”

You could feel your face heating up, still maintaining your pose. You would have also preferred to stop by your assigned room (unoccupied when you weren’t there, the General always made sure his staff was taken care of) and shower and change. “I apologize sir. I thought the message was urgent. I did not want to keep you waiting.” Finally he nods his head

“Come in, lieutenant.” You quickly loosen up, lowering your arm, following him into the office. “Take a seat.”

Complying, you try your best to shrink into the chair opposite his desk, who knows what the troopers and others who had been present that day had confessed to Ren.

“I assume you have a feeling as to why you are here, Lieutenant?” His voice is cool, his eyes are completely neutral. You couldn’t help but admire the General’s ability to distance himself from every possible human emotion.

“Yes sir.” You pause, just for a moment, “I assume this concerns Commander Ren’s retrieval from Starkiller.” You raise your eyes to his. Of course you were right.

“Yes, that.” The general places a hand on the bridge of his nose “While I commend your successful efforts to rescue the…Commander” His voice drips sarcasm. “His response to being saved has been less than grateful.” You wince. “He has called everyone in to interview them but has come up with a very interesting problem.”

“What type of problem sir?” This wasn’t what you expected at all.

“It appears that their minds have been altered by the force.” Oh no this was exactly what you had expected. “Which has led him to believe that you are force sensitive.” Yes, right.

“I-I don’t really know what to say to that, General.” You open your hands in supplication, perhaps even trying to copy whatever you had done to your companions that day with General Hux. “The academy had me tested. I was negative.”

“I have looked over your file extensively, Lieutenant.” He produces your file, dropping it on the desk with a soft thump. “I even took the liberty of calling your parents.” Your eyes widen.

“Sir-“

“There is no indication that you are force sensitive other than what Ren says.” You stop. Looking at him. “However, he will still be speaking to you” Oh no. “Because he is quite convinced.”

“Sir-“Again he cuts you off.

“You will be escorted from this room to an interrogation room where Ren will interview you. But by the word interview I am sure you are aware that I mean he will be probing your mind.”

Great, your little sojourn to the medical bay was about to be replaced by your body in the morgue. “That will be a painful process, chances are you will not be returning to work for a day or two. In the off chance that you are force sensitive it will be up to the Commander as to what should be done.” Yeah, definitely dead.

“Yes Sir. I understand what will happen sir.” You nod your head, knowing full well it would have just been better to leave Commander Ren on the battlefield that day.

“Lieutenant, you won’t be killed, if that is what you are worried about.” Your eyes shoot up to his. “You have done nothing but serve the order, and your parents’ connections are both impeccable and irreplaceable.” You wanted to laugh.

Of course your parents were impeccable and irreplaceable.

“Worst case scenario you will have to train with Ren, best case you will return to work on my staff as soon as possible. “ Thank the stars for your parents, for the General.

You can feel the relief on your face and General Hux smirks.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Now, you are excused. “ He waves his hand, glancing at the papers on his desk. “My staff is falling behind because they aren’t at full capacity, so try not to end up back in the medical bay for another week.”

“Can do, General.” You stand, walking to the door. “I too, hope I don’t end up in the med-bay for a week. But I doubt I’ll be able to prevent it.” You swore you could hear the General actually chuckle on your way out.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Storm troopers, you always note, are rather odd.

You get the whole ‘trained since birth to be soldiers’ thing, but you would have thought they would be socialized more. More likely to talk, or at least attempt idle conversation.

However your walk to the interrogation rooms was absolutely silent.

In this instance it was welcome. You were far too busy trying to wipe your mind of all thoughts to focus on chitchat.

It was sooner than you hoped when you reached the steel door separating you from your fate, and when it opened as if by chance, you couldn’t help the shudder that went down your spine.

Fuck it. You walked in, plastering what you hoped was a neutral look on your face, trying to mimic General Hux. Taking a seat without making eye contact with the bucket of terror.

“Lieutenant” His voice came out harsh and metallic through the modulator in his helmet. You flinched.

“Commander Ren.” No eye contact. Don’t look at his mask. Don’t look. Luckily for you, your mind was so jumbled it wasn’t giving anything away.

“Stop.” It was a clipped command. You looked up, staring into the mask. Fuck.

“Stop what, sir?”

“Thinking so loud.” You frowned.

“I apologize, sir.” You picked at your fingernails. “General Hux told me why I am here, sir. That you wanted to know about what happened on Starkiller base.”

“I know what happened on starkiller base.” Ren’s voice was harsh, the metallic cling stung your ears. “I know you are a force user.”

“Sir, I was tested at the Academy, General Hux has all my records-“ For some reason you couldn’t continue, couldn’t lie to the man about whether or not you had these powers.

He said nothing. You paused. The silence continued for several minutes. He wasn’t doing anything, not reading your mind. Nothing. Just staring at you. “If we could-“He extended a hand, briefly you felt like he would caress your cheek. A stupid thought.

The pain was immediate. Like someone taking a hammer to the back of your skull. You gasped, your vision swam. A gargled choke left your throat. You knew what he was doing. The leather of his gloves seemed to be crushing your temples.

You could almost see the memories he was looking through. You knew he saw it all, could feel the emotions that you felt. Had they been your emotions? Were they his emotions?

It kept going, you were clutching at your skull. How could anyone ever live with this? You had a feeling he was making it worse on purpose. Of course you’d rescue the sadist.

Get out, get out, getoutgetoutgETOUT. You were shrieking in your own skull. The pain stopped. Commander Ren exhaled a breath.

You promptly turned to the side and vomited.

Luckily for you, you hadn’t eaten anything in days, so it was mostly just bile.

“Did-“you were panting. “Did you get what you need, sir” the last line filled with acid.

“You’re force sensitive.” His metallic voice fell dull on your ears.

“I could have told you that” You shot back, anger bubbling in your throat. All that anger, it seemed to come from nowhere. Was it his anger? “All you had to do was ask.” Suddenly it was like you had never been afraid a day in your life, you were so furious at his intrusion. He had looked at everything, all your memories, as though your life was some story book for him to halfheartedly read and discard.

“Insubordinate.” His one word response before he stood to walk out. He was just going to leave you in the room alone. After you SAVED his sorry life.

“Dammit.” You tried to stand, shaking. “Wait-.” Your legs gave out. Fuck.

You never hit the floor, the strong arms of the Commander catching you as you fell. The last thing you remembered before you lost consciousness for the 3rd time that week was his mask. The image dancing behind your eyes long after you shut them.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Waking up in the med-bay was getting old. You were not particularly fond of the acrid, too sanitized smell. Everything was far too white for your taste, and it was all together too noisy for someone who spent their days normally in meetings or on a datapad.

“Son of a kriff” You sat up, groaning. “Why does this keep happening?” Your head felt like it had been cracked open.

“Looks like the Commander threw you for a loop.” Your eyes shot up.

“Mitaka!” You grinned for what was surely the first time in days. “I’ve missed you.” He walked over to you, placing a hand on your aching temple.

“Same. You made it out worse for wear it seems?” He pulled up a chair, taking a seat. “Worse than we did, for sure.” You flopped back into the bed.

“What did he do to you?” you grabbed his hand, holding it in your own. You were very fond of Mitaka. Your first and only real friend since you started working for the order. You couldn’t help but feel another spike of anger. That damn light saber wielding man child had done the same thing to your friend as he had done to you.

“He just looked into my head, it stung for like…a second.” Mitaka places his other hand on top of yours. “He couldn’t find whatever he was looking for, he got very frustrated.” You blinked. This was what the General had been talking about.

“Weird.” You sigh. “Whatever he needed he certainly got it from me.”

“Yeah.” He shifted nervously in his seat. “You are force sensitive?” Word was out. Great.

“I am.” You look into his dark eyes. Soft, affectionate. Mitaka was a good person, unlike that death mop. “I am force sensitive.”

“Jeez, I’ll never have free time again, since I’ll have to pick up your work for the General.” His attempt at humor fell flat. Right, there were repercussions for your ‘gift’.

“General Hux still wants me to work with the staff.” You stick your nose into the air. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easily. Not unless Commander Ren actually kills me next time.” You snort. He pales. Looks like your joke fell flat too. “Not literally Dopheld.” You sigh pulling yourself up again. “I guess we should get a nurse in here. I ought to be discharged.” He nods, scrambling to his feet.

“I’ll do it. Just stay here.” He quickly shuffles out of the room. You place your feet on the ground. Fucking Kylo Ren. Fucking stupid bucket.

“Ah, I see you are finally awake!”

“Sarai!” You smile, “I’m glad Mitaka managed to find the one nurse I like.” She grinned, pushing her glasses back.

“I know, I’d hate for you to have a subpar nurse experience and report us.” She laughed, picking up your chart. “How are you feeling though, seriously?”

“My head is throbbing.” Stupid Ren. “But other than that I am fine. A little sore, but fine.” Sarai smiles. “Well your vitals are normal. I think we can discharge you now,” she was jotting down the information. “General Hux came by earlier, I think a storm trooper has already delivered the pain medication to your room.” Ah, General Hux, always coming in and saving the day.

“Great.” You stretch, like a cat in the sun, arms high in the air. “Thank you so much for putting up with me, Sarai.” You reach over, pulling her into a hug. She returns it with gusto.

“You’re welcome. You know we should start getting lunch together, you me and Lieutenant Mitaka.” You make eye contact with Mitaka, wiggling your eyebrows. You could already smell the office romance.

He blushed.

“We need to!”

With that your sojourn to the medical bay was over and life resumed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snap, crackle, pop here it is! The first real meeting between the reader and our favorite Mop of Death (because of his hair, Adam driver is gorgeous)
> 
> This chapter is a little short, but I like it. 
> 
> I hope you like it too!
> 
> I promise we will get into some action and adventure! I just have to establish some things first. 
> 
> Feel free to comment at your leisure.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. In which you have more Questions than Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your first official training session with Kylo Ren is nothing like you expected.

Well, you wished life would have resumed again. 

You got 7 days of normalcy. 

A return to what you loved -well, enjoyed, vaguely tolerated- meetings, messages, translation and transcribing. 

It seemed that Commander Ren had been called away on urgent business. Urgent business you could only hope did not concern you.  
Either way, with him gone you had a great deal of time to ruminate on what had happened between the two of you, from start to finish.  
At the end of this invigorating soul journey you had decided that you were not allowed to be scared of Kylo Ren. Sure, he could kill you at any moment with a swish of his leather clad hand, but you could not let that rule you. 

So you started to practice with the force. Levitating objects in your room, using your new found power to grab laundry off of your floor. Minor stuff. You certainly weren’t up to reading minds and terrorizing children. You’d have to wait for the Commander to return –and to spare your life- before that could happen. 

Which left you with almost nothing to worry about. 

Sure your room on the Finalizer wasn’t as great as it had been on Starkiller, and the food wasn’t half as good but you could give that all up for the added bonus of transcribing diplomatic messages with your own added commentary, plus being able to attend propaganda meetings, since staff had been…significantly reduced with the literal implosion of Starkiller.

You had so MUCH to say about intergalactic politics. 

You also had so much to say about how to manipulate intergalactic politics in favor of the First Order. 

You knew you were lucky to end up here, instead of with the Resistance, which for all of its ‘freedom fighter’ attitudes constantly had bad press.  
Unlike the First Order, which could afford outreach projects in the planets that fell under its dominion, the Resistance was poor and could offer very little outside of dreams and empty promises. Especially since the…end…of the Galactic Senate. 

The Hosnian system had been such a lovely place to tour when you were younger. Such a shame it had to be lost for the greater good. 

But anyway, you and Mitaka were working on a new project, given to you by the General himself, to help cultivate –hah- better relationships with some of the agrarian planets in order to provide food and natural medicines to the order. No, not just to the order but also to its tributaries. Some of the planets that supported you were very lacking in resources.  
Desperation often brings about a desire for organization. You smiled, typing happily on your console. Pulling up the background information on several of the planets. 

In the end, order would consume chaos.

“I can’t believe the General is having us do this.” Mitaka shoots you a whisper, typing furiously on his own device. “This is way out of our paygrade.”  
“I know.” You pause briefly. “I think they are shipping us higher ups, we weren’t able to save many when the base…you know.” You shrugged. “Until then, us children get to fill in.” You wink. “I know poor Sasha must be losing it back in the outer rim.” Sasha, your trainer when you had been accepted into the First Order, was also the person in charge of the comings and goings of the First Order’s non-combat troops. Like Phasma, but for paperwork. 

Mitaka had the decency to snort at that suggestion. “I’m sure Sasha has the situation handled.” 

“Right and you kn-“A shudder worked its way up your spine. An unsuspected probing in the back of your head. 

Oh joy. 

Your favorite Knight of Ren had returned. Lovely. You sneeze. An unexpected reaction you weren’t sure you should blame on the force or on dust. 

“Allergies acting up?” Sweet, poor, gentle Mitaka.  
“I hope, also, not to freak you out or anything, but Commander Ren is definitely back.” And angry. Angry? Dissatisfied maybe, what went wrong Mr. Ren? You knew you were projecting. Well you hoped you were. Goading him into action. No use in extending whatever this lovely break had been any further.  
Both you and Mitaka quietly returned to work, him too nervous to speak, you anticipating the inevitable.  
The inevitable that came as loud, echoing footsteps ending just behind you, and the familiar heavy breathing of a masked man. 

You turn, about to address him when General Hux intervenes. “Ren, so nice of you to join us. Especially so soon after you docked.” You hadn’t even seen the General approach, but you couldn’t help but stifle a noise at his blatant sarcasm. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”  
“I need to speak to the girl.” You frown, wishing he could sound less like a stereotypical storybook villain. “About her…force training.”  
“She’s on the clock at the moment Commander” Hux sneered. “Perhaps another time.”  
“Should I tell Supreme Leader Snoke that you are keeping us from developing her powers?” It was Ren’s turn to up the ante. You could practically see him snarling through the mask.  
You glance over at General Hux, he was paler than he had been a moment ago.  
“Supreme leader Snoke?” Hux repeated back.  
“Yes” Commander Ren practically hissed “While you have been sitting here planning our association with lesser planets I have been discussing our situation with Supreme Leader Snoke.”  
“A situation you let happen“. The general shot back before glancing at you “You are relieved of your duties for the day, Lieutenant. But I expect you to come in on time tomorrow.” You winced, it looked like the General wasn’t going to be your knight in Shining armor this time.

“Yes sir.” You rise, looking at the masked knight. “Reporting for duty, Commander Ren.” Said commander merely nodded, turning on his heels and stomping off, leaving you to follow after him.  
Don’t be afraid. Remember, for all that he has a lightsaber and a scary well…everything. He had just said this was about force training. That implied that he wasn’t going to kill you. No, he was going to train you, and then send you onto a battlefield to die, which was almost worse.

“Your thoughts are very loud.” His monotone breaks through your frenzied brain.

“I apologize, Sir.” No you didn’t. If he didn’t like it he didn’t have to listen. Kylo Ren visibly stiffened.  
“You are insolent.” His metallic clang held a little more anger, you could feel it radiating off of him.  
“I have no idea what you are talking about, Sir.” Your response was cool, as calm as you imagined the General would be.  
“Basing your interactions with me on Hux will not get you very far.” The tall man stated, pressing on the keypad that led into a room you had never been in. “This will be your training room.” 

It was rather plain, just a sparring room with two mats placed close to one another. You sighed in actual disappointment. Here you were hoping you’d actually get a chance to compete with the Resistance, not just be a trial run for the First Order’s death bucket.  
Ren froze in front of you, causing you to run into him.  
You squeaked, pulling away from his back, and backing up a few steps.

“You. Are. Projecting.” He was practically seething through the mask, you swore you could feel the fury crackling off of him.  
“I-I apologize sir.” Okay that whole bravery thing was out the window. You were terrified of Kylo Ren.  
He walked into the room, taking a seat on one of the mats, and gesturing for you to sit on the other. You complied, crossing your legs, and trying your best to look comfortable. You couldn’t bring yourself to make eye contact with his helmet, so you idly stared down at the floor, picking at your finger nails. 

Silence. You thought about how it was much harder to be around him when he had his mask on, an odd thought since you had only ever seen him without his helmet that one time you saved his life.  
How this was going to be incredibly difficult if he kept it on. “K-..Commander Ren?” Nice save, almost calling your new ‘teacher’ by his first name. “Commander Ren, is it possible for you to…uh…take of the mask?” Death bucket. 

“No.” he responds gruffly “It would add nothing to your training.” Speaking of training.  
“Why am I being trained again?” You offer, hoping for some actual conversation.  
“Supreme Leader Snoke has requested it.” Snoke, right, you knew very little about the dark being that was Snoke, just a few whispers here and there about his connection to the dark side and his influence over the First Order.  
“If I may- Why? I thought First Order policy would call for my…termination. I’m not a child, I have no formal training-“  
“Because he commands it.” Ren cuts you off. “He seems to think that you manifesting these powers is not accident.” At that you frown. Kylo was being…abnormal, well abnormal for him. Almost as though he was…jealous?  
“What do you mean?”  
“You ask too many questions.” 

“I’ll keep asking them as long as you are wearing a mask.” An ultimatum, you see his hand twitch ever so slightly. But it isn’t as though he could kill you, what with Snoke and all, you were suddenly comforted. Thanks First Order. 

“Well? What do you mean it wasn’t an accident?” Both his hands go to his face as he slowly unclicks his mask, removing it in a practiced movement. 

“Your training.” His voice is so different without the modulator, so much more…well human, and his face. You can feel your own heating up. He was just as beautiful as last time, so innocent looking--and totally listening to your thoughts. 

But what was the reason? 

What could be so awful that Kylo Ren was now being forced to train you, a mere grunt in the big picture? He frowns at you, his full lips pressing together, clearly displeased with your thought process, before reaching both of his hands for your temples.

You immediately flinch, throwing your body backward. He blinks.

“W-What are you doing?” You gape at him, hearing the panic in your own voice. All the sudden you had been back in that room, where he had searched your thoughts, all of the pain welling up in your chest, your heart beating violently.  
“I have to be able to look inside your head.” He nearly growls, causing you to cower further away from him. Suddenly you feel your whole body freeze. He was using the force. Your eyes were so wide it felt like they were going to pop out of your own head. You could fill yourself moving, closer to him, as he reached his hands out for your face. 

A soft, fearful whimper left your lips. His frown returned. He pulled his hands back suddenly, you were still frozen, but more confused than ever.  
He sighed softly, no more than puff, pulling off each of his leather gloves and setting them by his legs. “I’m going to need to look inside of your head.” He begins, freeing you from your force prison, you let out an unintended gasp, drawing in a large gulp of air. “I need you to stay calm. I need your thoughts to stay calm.” His voice was almost flat, perhaps vaguely annoyed, but his actions…they were softer. “In order for you to be able to develop a mental wall, to understand the force.” He looks you straight in the eyes. “Understood?”

“Y-Yessir” You took a breath. You were not a coward. You were fearsome. You were academy trained, you knew you were smart, you had learned how to use a blaster. You weren’t some scared little village girl suddenly picked up and dropped down as a protagonist. You could write your own story. “Let’s get on with it then.” 

Ren reached up to your face, placing his bare hands onto your temples. You shuddered, and he cupped your face in his hands, leaning over you.  
Everything felt suddenly lighter, like you weren’t breathing. Had you forgotten to breath?

All the sudden there was a burst, of color, emotion, history. Your life. It was there, before your eyes. You were living it all over again.

That time when you were eight and you set fire to your living you. The candle on the mantle, you had been angry, jealous of your little brother getting presents and you not, the candle on the mantle had fallen, shattered, catching the wall tapestry on fire. 

You had KNOWN it was your fault. You had cried and sobbed even as your parents told you there was no way it was.

Wait, you didn’t remember it that way. In your mind you had knocked it over somehow, banging on the wall, and you had been gleeful in the destruction you had caused.  
That time when you were 17 and had snuck out with your friends during your summer vacation home.  
You had come home far too late and your parents had looked furious, and yet. When you had raised your hands, angry and fearful just like them yelling for them just to ‘forget it had ever happened’ they had. 

Is that what had happened? You had thought you had snuck home without consequences and that it had just been a dream. 

Finally you were back on Starkiller, saving Kylo Ren, screaming, the force, the Jakku girl. 

Then you were right back where you were. On the Finalizer, Ren gripping at your face. 

“What was that?” You whispered, looking up into his dark eyes.  
“You have been suppressing the force.” Somehow he looked less aggravated and more…triumphant? “I knew it.”  
“You knew it?” You replied, your body felt limp, suddenly you remembered. “Right, that first time we met, you stared at me for a long time. Did you sense the force?”

Kylo nodded, “I knew you were force sensitive, but the signature was faint. Faint because you intentionally blocked it out.”

“I did n-“ 

“Did I say for you to speak?” His reply was harsh, cutting you off. You winced. “You did not know you were doing it but you did it with purpose. You were frightened of what you had realized you could do. So your mind created a way to protect itself.” You stared at him. Had you? Those visions that you had seen all seemed so real but so different from your own reality.  
Had you had these powers the entire time? Had the Force seen it fit to protect you by hiding itself from you? 

“This is way above my pay grade.” You respond, everything was wrong all of the sudden and you wanted to go back to your room, you wanted to call your parents, and you wanted answers.  
“Your mind provides the clearest answers there are.” Ren stated, sounding more like an ancient honorable master than a young destructive pissbaby. He growled quietly. Touchy. 

“My mind has been hiding my strange magic powers all my life and they don’t choose to truly reveal themselves until I save you?” You finally question, unable to make eye contact. “Why? Why now? Why you? Why me?” 

You had a feeling you wouldn't be getting your answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He touched your face!


	4. In Which You are Always Disappointed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All you had wanted was to master a skill, not open a can of worms about your feelings. Why was being trained by Kylo Ren such a drag?

Unfortunately for someone who loved answers all you had was questions.   
Questions that your big scary trainer would not give you the answer to. 

You were't as afraid of Kylo Ren as you had been. 

Sitting with him an hour a day trying to harness space magic for three weeks had really lessened your deep unadulterated terror.   
He wouldn’t admit it to you, and you certainly would never project it to him, but you thought perhaps he was warming up to you too.

In that same way a hawk warms up to a dove when it is well fed. 

However, not all was golden in this gilded world, and you were having some issues.  
You had always prided yourself at being a fast learner but the force was difficult.   
More difficult than anything you had ever done and you had once convinced a delegation that the First order was the kinder and more humane choice to ally with than the Galactic Senate. 

Wait what if that had been the force?

What if every smart thing you had ever accomplished had been the force?

Was your entire life’s work a lie?

“You are projecting!” Ren barked, drawing you back to reality.  
Right, you were supposed to be working on putting up a shield so that the Commander couldn’t get into your head, and so you couldn’t yell every one of your thoughts openly into his mind. 

The issue with that was that it just wasn’t working. 

You had tried to convince him to move on from it. Hell you had even gotten him too for a bit last week, where you had quickly learned to levitate items, and sometimes (with a bit of concentration) bring them back to you.   
But no, instead of focusing on your strengths he was making you sit, day after day, imagining building a wall in your mind.

A wall. 

It was not your job to build walls, it was your job to tear them down, to stomp on them, and to present your newly unprotected city to its saviors -or captors, but really what was the difference-  
Maybe you’d tear your hair out instead.

“Commander Ren I can’t do it” You groaned, falling over onto your back. “It’s impossible, I’m defective.” He makes a frustrated noise. 

Luckily your agreement to not ask questions as long as he didn’t wear the mask was still in session which was allowing you to feel far less intimidated in front of your teacher. Meaning, of course, that you took liberties you probably wouldn’t have if he had been masked.

One of those liberties was complaining.

“You might be.” He gritted his teeth. “But you are strong in the force. If you’d stop yelling at me through your thoughts maybe you could focus on what you are supposed to be doing.”   
“Why should I?” You shot back, extending your hands in the air. “I’m better at the other force things, I think we should go back to helping me learn to control objects and people. Maybe you can teach me to levitate.”

“Absolutely not.” 

“But-“

“You will do as instructed.” He was clearly in a bad mood today. Sometimes he was calm and serene as the sea on Naboo, other days, well, the poor General was getting tired of having to buy replacement parts for the ship.

“Commander W-“

“Because. I. Told. You. Too.” He yanked you up by your shirt collar, bringing his face dangerously close to yours.   
You blinked, feeling the color drain out of your face. “This…prattling you do. It takes time away from my training and has caused me to…lose focus…at times. Supreme leader has saddled me with you, and you WILL learn how to control your thoughts.” He shoved you back, making you fall hard against the floor.

Just when you thought he was warming up to you.

You had pushed your limit with the head of the Knights of Ren, clearly. 

You were justly chastised to say the least. “Yessir, Commander Ren.” For some reason you could feel your cheeks heating up with shame.  
He stood up, turning to you with a glare. “We are done for today. I expect you to come better prepared tomorrow.”   
The commander then stormed out, leaving you alone with your thoughts.  
Better prepared. 

A challenge. 

You had to motivate yourself. 

But how? 

You decided dinner with Mitaka and Sarai was greatly needed. You’d figure out what to do after.  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
“I think I know why you can’t do it.” Mitaka, dearest, gentle, loving Mitaka, who also apparently had all the answers to your problems, had listened to you explain your dilemma.  
You were force sensitive, you could levitate things with your mind, you could even forcefully push people in battle (apparently your fighting style was angry five year old) but you couldn’t stop yourself from broadcasting your thoughts to every force sensitive in the galaxy. 

For the hundredth time in the last month you wished that your 'latent force powers' would have stayed locked up where you had put them all those years ago. Your thoughts hadn't broadcasted BEFORE you'd rekindled your powers.

Wait, did that mean that Ren had heard all those awful things you had been thinking in the med-bay? 

No wonder this wasn't going well.

In all honesty you felt more than a little disappointment in yourself, failing the Commander was proving to be a harsher blow than expected. 

At the end of the day, he was actually a really patient teacher and you could understand his frustration. He’d been given a student, probably against his will, and the student couldn’t even master the basic tenants of what he was trying to teach.

You were basically a failure. 

A failure and a disappointment dragging down the most physically powerful member of the First Order.

Great. This was your life. 

“See” He began. “You are very open. But only when you want to make a good impression.” You blinked, unsure of where he was going with his thought process. “I’ve seen you in meetings you are always trying to make the best impression, be liked the most, even when you are lying. That requires a certain amount of openness, whether it is honest or dishonest.”

“Continue.” You tapped the table with your fingers. It was just you and Mitaka at dinner, Sarai had gotten called into work. 

“So, you are being too open with him.” 

“What?” 

“You are being too open. You want him to think the best of you, which is understandable, so you are being an open book but the thing is that he can read your mind. So it is backfiring for you.” He took a bite of his sandwich. “Big time.” Point made. 

Maybe he was right. He was totally right. In a subconscious effort to impress Kylo Ren you were sabotaging your own training. 

“What do you think I should do Mitaka?”

“I think you should get a thought you don’t want him to see and think it.” You snorted.

“How will that even help, he can read my mind.” 

“You will want to block that thought out, won’t you? In order to continue to win his affection.” Mitaka winked at you, you only frowned. “So you will be able to ‘build your wall’ it is that easy.” 

Well, he had a point. 

“What kind of thought though?”

“How about your huge crush on him.” You flushed.

“W-What?” Your voice dropped to a whisper. “Mitaka, no. Don’t say that.”

“It’s in your head now, better hide it.” He patting your hand, like you would do to a small child, you groaned. You were really going to have to hide that thought and not just from Ren, but from yourself, you couldn’t dwell on schoolyard crushes. This was your job. 

“Mitaka, the man literally force choked you not even a month ago.” 

“Who in the Order has Commander Ren not force choked, hm?” Mitaka chuckled, gesturing at you. “Besides you of course.” 

“You can’t just say I have a crush on a blood thirsty cult leader, how does that reflect on me?” You shot back. You didn’t have a crush on Kylo Ren. You didn’t.

Plus in the academy both the teacher and student were expelled if they were caught in a ‘clandestine’ relationship.

You did not want to be expelled.

Expelled or whatever the First Order equivalent was.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That night you spent several hours taking the time to actually construct a wall. Picturing the room with your head –very beautiful, like the parlor of your parent’s summer home in Naboo- seeing yourself laying brick by brick, slowly constructing a wall, ensuring its sturdiness.

Mostly you couldn’t believe that all of your academy training had led to you meditating on the floor picturing building a brick wall to impress the Commander of the Knights of Ren. 

Nope, couldn’t believe it.

In the end though, you were pretty sure it worked.

Yeah. You totally built an imaginary mind wall.

Sometime during that you fell asleep on your own floor, which was impressive in itself because you were a light sleeper normally, and absolutely hated the rough carpet installed in the Finalizer officer rooms. 

You were clearly exhausted, too exhausted to notice that your eyes were closing, or that you slumped to the floor. 

It was a dreamless sleep, and you woke up when your alarm went off, stiff but determined. 

You were going to pass his test. 

It was time.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Except it wasn’t actually time because outside of training with Kylo Ren you still had a real job. A real job that was starting to get serious.

Your agrarian proposal that you were working so hard on with Mitaka had been indefinitely postponed. 

Apparently some revolutionaries close to the Hosnian system in a planet rich with ore decided they were going to blow up the seat of government. Well, being so close to a former resistance ‘stronghold’ meant this was a golden opportunity to cast some influence in the region.

Currently you were working on editing the drafts sent to you by the senior officer heading up the matter. 

Like most of the people working in the diplomatic center you really did enjoy your job.   
The paperwork and editing may have been boring but it allowed you to see into the heart of what the First Order was working towards.

Now like all good members of the organization you called home, academy trained or no, you knew that the common goal was to achieve and restore balance, true order, to the galaxy. Also like most of the people –who weren’t storm troopers raised from childhood to die in battle- in the order you knew that what you were actually doing was a combination of that and sheer megalomania. 

You knew that the First Order had galactic domination in mind.

You also knew that it would stop at nothing to obtain it.

Did you care? 

The age old moral question.

Maybe. Maybe some lesser part of you expressed discontent at the ruthlessness used by the storm troopers. 

When you had seen what had happened to the Hosnian system, a part of you felt a sort of numbness, a painful sort of numbness. 

Those senators, some of them had worked with your father. As a child they had been the men and women to carry you on their shoulders, teach you how to apply makeup. They had you babbling in a hundred different tongues before you could even comprehend basic. A part of you did hurt, you realized, pausing over your reading. 

What a disloyal thought. 

It was still the lesser of two evils for you, you quickly clarified in your own mind. The safest path to peace in the long run.

See, while the First order represented a return to balance, the Resistance represented chaos. 

They were chaotic, their –hidden- alliance with the Galactic senate had been partially based on the presence of General Organa, you knew, but also was in place because the Senate knew that the Resistance needed funds, it needed weaponry, it needed firm organization and could be easily manipulated because of these factors.

No one could manipulate the First Order. 

Perhaps the force played a role in all this, sure, but before you had found out about your own ability that thought had only rarely crossed your mind.  
This was a case of the old adage, ‘one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter’. The Resistance were petty terrorists, it was obvious, hell-bent on bringing disorder to a universe that craved order.

This was a millennia long fight, whether it was labeled as light versus dark, order versus chaos, it didn’t matter.

All that mattered, you reasoned with yourself, in the end was that you kept yourself alive and hoped that biological imperative would drive the rest. 

A soft cough behind you startled you from your daydreaming.   
“Hm?” you turned to Mitaka, who was watching you with some bit of concern. “What is it?”

“I’ve just been calling your name for the last minute or two.” He frowned. “Are you alright?”

“I guess that wall I built was stronger than I thought.” You smiled at him, “really I’m fine, just lost in thought.” 

“You are also about to be late for force training.” He responding, pointing your vision in the direction of the large clock on the back of the wall. 

“Oh no.” You staggered to your feet, quickly finishing your edits and forwarding them along. “I’ll see you at dinner, Mitaka.” You hurried out, ready for what came next.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When you arrived at the training room you could tell that the Commander was already inside. You gulped.   
You had to show him that you could learn, today was important and you had never been late before, of course you’d be late when it really mattered. You quickly pressed your fingertips against the locking mechanism, the door sliding open softly.

You slunk in, Kylo was sitting on his mat, clearly meditating. Silent. 

You froze. Was your wall still there?

Yes, you had it pictured in your head, just as strong as last night. 

Was it working?

You loitered behind him, growing more and more worried, before finally tip-toing to your mat and sinking down. “Commander?” 

“You are quiet today.” He spoke levelly, sounding far more serene than at your last meeting. “Your thoughts abruptly stopped last night, for the first time since I interrogated you.” You blinked. 

“Yessir Commander Ren, I built a wall.” You tried to keep the excitement out of your voice, you had done it! After all that you had done it all by yourself. “A metaphorical mind wall, of course, it took me hours, I had to sit there visualizing it brick by brick, it was exha-“

“Don’t ruin the silence by running your mouth, it is enough that you are late, you don’t need to be noisy too.” Ren cut you off, frowning. 

You could feel the red rising to your cheeks again. He had embarrassed you. 

Suddenly you were very glad for that wall, so he couldn’t read the disappointment you felt. 

All that work for nothing.

More than that you were glad his eyes were closed because you could feel the sting of water in your eyes.  
You had always been an angry crier. The type of person who was stoic when sad and a wreck when frustrated.   
Honestly he had hurt your feelings. 

But what exactly had you expected? Praise? A pat on the shoulder? A certificate of success? Please, you were basically delusional, this was still the Kylo Ren, head of the Knights of Ren and brutal warlord of the First Order. 

You had been silly to expect anything at all.

Mitaka’s words echoed in your head. You really did want to impress Kylo Ren.  
It didn’t look like that was ever going to happen.

You rubbed at your eyes roughly, before shutting them. 

If he wanted silent meditation he was going to get silent meditation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, an interesting chapter (I think). One that delves further into what the reader thinks about the First Order. I'm a Political Science/History major so forgive me for the ramblings about right/wrong, order/disorder, but I tried to take some of the ideas that surrounded "great powers" of History and let them play with how the reader felt. 
> 
> Also Kylo Ren has mood swings and can be a real jerk, but I think we all already knew that.
> 
> Also, also I crave awesome-friend!Mitaka, I think he is precious.


	5. In which you have your first moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just one more day and you'd be off of the Finalizer for a while.
> 
> You were excited.
> 
> Plus it looked like your favorite mop headed terror was coming too.

Ch. 5   
“You’re going to be leaving with the delegation tomorrow morning.” General Hux finished his statement glancing only briefly in your direction.   
He was thumbing through paperwork, ever so often frowning at what he was reading.

“Yes General.” You responded smoothly. It had –only- taken two months of what you considered limbo for you to finally be assigned to a mission. 

“You’ll be working as an aide for Admiral Mihrimah Lisowka, although chances are you will be spending most of the time with Major Ferdinand.” You nodded thoughtfully.   
Admiral Mihrimah Lisowska and Major Bela Ferdinand were both in positions of command for the first order fleet. You had worked with Bela before, he was pleasant, a real smooth guy.   
He could sweet talk even the sternest beurocratic worker into pleasantries.   
However that talent was almost often wasted because of how great a pilot he was.

Admiral Lisowska you had never met, you had only heard tales of her.   
She had earned reputation as one of the most loyal and brave hearted members of the order, but also one of the most ruthless. 

Usually, however, you knew that both she and Major Ferdinand stayed in the deepest part of the unknown regions, drilling the cadets for war time maneuvers.   
It was no secret that one of the ‘advantages’ the resistance had over the order was with their stellar –hah- interstellar pilots. 

But what they didn’t know, couldn’t know, was that the First Order had been sending the worst of their pilots to ‘front’ (how could you call it a true front when there hadn’t been any declared ‘war’?) for quite some time, definitely longer than you had been with them.   
It was one of the most ruthless (or foolhardy) tactics of the order, lull the Resistance into a sense of security, all the while perfecting and narrowing down your own field of pilots.

Of course how were your pilots supposed to be trained if they didn’t actually fight in battles?

Often they practiced as mercenaries, gunning down innocent trader ships and sinister pirate vessels alike, with no proper identification to trace them back to the Order. 

You felt bad for the pilots sent to the front, just the same.   
You couldn’t imagine the amount of subpar pilots that had died at the hands of the Resistance.   
Especially with the likes of Poe Dameron, you wrinkled your nose on reflex, the man could be charged with war crimes. 

Once he and his squadron of pilots had ‘accidentally’, as their intercepted report had read, blew up half a village of civilians chasing a tie-fighter. Unfortunately for the poor dear flying the fighter, they had caught her, but not before causing such a disaster that the planet ultimately agreed to become a vassal of the order, a protectorate, if you would.

You could still remember all the vids you watched at the Academy detailing the atrocities of the New Republic and the Resistance.   
The starving planets, and needless destruction caused by their inept governments.

Well, no one had to worry about the Galactic Senate anymore. 

And the Resistance was sloppy. So sloppy you had no doubt it would be their downfall. 

Whatever was drawing out the Admiral must be important, your thoughts changed direction, you had heard Admiral Lisowska was a quiet woman, and not fond of appearances. It had to be something important if it took her away from her work. 

“They will be negotiating a deal to build a base and establish a secret alliance with planet Ganthel, you will be needed as a diplomatic aide only, you are to provide information to the Major and Admiral concerning the culture of the region and ways to promote the First Order to them.” 

Ganthel.

Ganthel was a core planet, independently wealthy, it was an industrial hub, famous for its many shipyards and places to build new weaponry.   
It was also famous for its ore trade, something that was very valued by the Order.   
You knew that industry like that could double the order’s production and create an important base in the core worlds for growth and expansion.

It had been a favorite of the Empire, and had had an imperial governor back in the gap, perhaps they could be swayed to pick a side again and by a side you meant your side, of course. 

You felt that taking a capitalistic approach, the old fashioned ‘you’ll get more money if you work with us’ tactic, would go over best with these traders and you had no doubt that if the Admiral couldn’t do it, the major could.

“I can do that, sir.” You nod at him. “What about Commander Ren?” It had been an aside, a brief thought that had filtered through.   
What would the Commander do if he didn’t have you to deal with?

“Ren will be also in attendance.” Hux sighed, a weary sound that seemed to come from deep within his bones. “He demanded that he be allowed to accompany the Admiral.” He looked at you, giving you a look that made your stomach tense. “Although he has had no interest in ever attending these types of things before.” 

Oh great. You were sure Ren was only going to make sure you didn’t get murdered.   
Over the last few weeks he had been grade A cranky, and it looked like he wasn’t sleeping.   
On top of that he had been ultra-protective, going so far as to try and get Hux to give you a curfew. 

You attributed it to your sudden usefulness in the order. You were doing well in training, he had moved you up to combat. You had a knack for force based fighting. Immobilizing your foes (the random Stormtroopers he was having Captain Phasma provide) and defeating them in glorious battle (staged sparring).

Yeah you had never realized how much you enjoyed violence until you were on top of a hapless Stormtrooper, declaring your victory as they scrambled to get away.   
Well, it wasn’t enough for Ren, who had started talking about how you needed to be more on guard, and you needed more training. He had even suggested having you join his knights, but General Hux had given that a hard pass and vetoed it. 

Ren had fumed about it for several days.

They were never on good terms and you seemed to have made it worse. Not that the thought ever stayed in your mind very long.

“Well the Commander is himself, General.” You respond, a tingle of laughter in your voice. “I understand my orders.” 

“You are excused, then. I need not remind you how important this mission is to the order.”

“Yes sir” you salute before escorting yourself out.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Sarai help me pack.” You said, laying on the floor by your bed. You were making no attempt to get up and pack for tomorrow, instead you were idly rolling back and forth on your own floor while Sarai sat on the bed.

“Well I would, if I knew what you wanted.” She responded, nudging you over with her foot, laughter leaving her throat. “Although at this rate I might as well just pack you in the suitcase, for all the help you are being.” 

“But Sarai” Your voice comes out a long whine. “It is just so much effort, and my body is sore.” Yes indeed sore. Commander Ren had skipped out on practice today, but still had given orders for you to work with Phasma. 

She had decided to train you herself. 

Needless to say you were pretty achy. “That woman knows how to land a kick.” 

“Why wasn’t the commander there? Or is it classified?” Sarai had moved, she was in your closet now, pulling out the clothes you’d need for the next few days. “Anything formal?”  
“Yeah, that one in the back just in case.” You paused. “I think Ren was probably packing too? I mean he needs clothes just as much as the next person.” You shrug. 

“You are on name basis with the Commander?”she leans out of the closet, giving you a look. You flush. 

“Not to his face.” 

“So you wish you were one first name basis with him.” She smiled, a little too wide for your taste. “That is adorable.”

“Come on Sarai, we see each other every day, I don’t think it is a lot to ask for to be on a name to name basis.” You frown. “Its not a huge deal. “ 

As if by fate a knock, a sharp rap, on your door. “Oh, do you think it is Mitaka?” You scramble to your feet, bounding to the door.”  
“He had an evaluation tonight, so I doubt it.” Sarai responds.   
You quickly lay your palm on the scanner next to your door, it slides open.

“Oh..” You trail off, feeling your face heating up. “H-Hello Commander.” You quickly salute, fully aware of the fact that you were in pajamas and not regulation uniform.   
But you were off the clock, so it shouldn’t matter, right?

And how was it that he always seemed to appear whenever you were speaking of him?

“I need to talk to you privately, Lieutenant.” His gruff, modulated voice was grating on your ears. You could see Sarai out of the corner of your eye, terrified.  
“Yessir. “ You answer quickly. Damn Ren had to come barging in here, scaring your friend, ruining her packing for you. “Just a moment.” You turn to your friend. “Sarai, I’ll see you at breakfast?”  
“Y-Yeah.” She stuttered, saluting the Commander. “I’ll see you.” She practically jogged out of your room. Leaving Ren standing in the hallway. 

“You can come in?” You offer, more a question than a statement. He walks in, footsteps heavy. You close the door. “I hope this is important Commander.” You state, keeping your tone light. Something was wrong, definitely. “She was going to do all my packing for me and you scared her off.” 

He stood in the center of the room and didn’t move. You could hear his breathing, the in an out static of the modulator. Other than that, nothing.

Nothing.

“Commander?” You began again. “Ren are you alright?” You reached out and touch his covered arm. He tensed. “Okay, Ren, let’s figure this one out.”   
You tugged him (You were a little afraid, but what these last weeks had taught you was that the Commander was your teacher, he didn’t want to hurt you. Sure he may snap at you, but you doubted he would harm you) over to your bed, gently pushing him into a seated position.   
Just as gently you tugged off his helmet, clicking the sides, relishing the soft release noise it made. You tossed it onto your bed and finally gave your full attention to your angst filled commander.  
He looked like shit. 

His hair, normally shiny to the point of unnecessary perfection, was dull and matted and his eyes had deep circles under them. Had he been sleeping at all? You felt an odd pang in your chest. “Commander?” 

“I haven’t been sleeping.” He drops the words, each one heavy. “I don’t need your extra commentary.” 

“Have you packed?” you offered to him, gauging his reaction.

“No.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I haven’t packed.”

You sit beside him on your bed, turning your body so that you are completely onto the bed your legs folded under your body, it gave you a good angle to look at him. “Wanna tell me why you can’t sleep?” You reach up, brushing a hand softly through his hair, “Or why you haven’t been taking care of your beautiful mop?” You knew you were pushing it, but you also couldn’t shake the feeling he just needed someone to take care of him for once. 

He sighed softly, leaning into your touch. You felt a little overwhelmed. This was Kylo Ren, the man you had tried weeks to form a friendship with to no real success sitting in your room and clearly wanting you to pet him. 

Life. 

You continued to brush your hands through his hair, massaging his scalp softly. He was leaning closer and closer, and you were worried he was going to fall over. 

“Nightmares.” He mumbles. “I can’t sleep.” You could see the fatigue in his eyes. He wasn’t joking.

You weren’t particularly surprised that Kylo had nightmares, after all, he was a man who had committed some pretty brutal killings.   
That can do a lot to a person. He was still himself though, and you had to wonder how bad it had to be for him to come confiding in you.

“What were they about?” You asked, maneuvering yourself and him so that his head lay softly in your lap. 

He stiffened, sitting up quickly and pulling down your arm from his hair.” His eyes searched yours for a moment, even as he still held your hand in his own. He didn’t find whatever he was looking for, though, and you could see him gradually relax again.

“I’m not going to tell you, so it is best not to ask again.” He replied. His voice thick with exhaustion. “Can you keep…doing that…to my hair.” 

“Yes Commander Ren.” You reply returning your hands to his hair, and lowering him back into your lap.

He fell asleep just like that. No more than 5 minutes into hair touching.

Once again leaving you with more questions than answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done with this chapter!
> 
> So I know it is still a little awkward between the reader and Ren, but I wanted to sort of portray who I think Ren is, not very showy, he sort of lets his emotions build without addressing them...ever. So It is like, he wants to be closer to the reader but doesn't express it until he is so sleep deprived he has no other choice. 
> 
> Also the Admiral and Major both have names that are combinations of historical references.


	6. In which Space is the Most Pretty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting ready to leave for your journey, Mitaka drops some truth bombs and you feel a special way about space.

What to do now that you had Ren sleeping so peacefully on your lap? 

You softly pressed your hands onto his temples, willing in all the good sleepy thoughts you could, as you gently slid out from under him. 

You moved quickly, pushing a pillow under his head and watching him the entire time to make sure his eyes didn’t flutter. 

Just as quietly you tiptoed to your closet, retrieving your spare blanket and carefully draping it over the tall form of the Commander.   
He looked so young lying there, so vulnerable, you brushed a hand softly over his cheek and forehead, before settling on the floor to finish packing.

You really had to wonder about Ren. What drove him?   
What specifically drove him into your bed tonight?   
Honestly you and Kylo had very few actual interactions. 

Even during training he spoke little, and had brought in others, which reduced your time to get to know him down to zero.  
Yet, you could tell he cared about your safety at least, and obviously felt some sort of…connection. 

Why else would he end up at your door?

Why else even request to go on this mission?

The real question was what did you think about him?

You knew he was a killer, a bloodthirsty soldier. You knew he at times even worked outside of the Order’s interest (a massive affront to Hux, certainly). Yet you knew very little of him.   
There were rumors that he had been a Jedi, that he was tied to Leia Organa (Of course he would be had he been a Jedi) but nothing confirmed. 

His age too, being so young, sparked some confusion. You knew he must be tied to the destruction of the Jedi, perhaps even the one to have killed them. A shiver worked its way through your body.   
Was Kylo Ren the killer of children?   
Strange to have such qualms at this moment. 

You felt drawn to him, whether that be because of the force, or his power over you, or something altogether different remained to be seen. 

You knew that you hoped that what happened tonight would encourage him to open up to you more.

You smiled.  
Several days off base working together in Ganthel certainly could help move that along. 

Oh, packing. You had been packing.

Luckily for you Sarai was able to take care of a good bit, leaving you to merely place the clothes in the pack. Once that was done you stifled a yawn.   
It was definitely time for bed. 

It was times like this that you thanked the Stars that you had been adamant about having furniture in your living space.   
Sure it was cramped, but your soft love seat your parents had sent from home was going to be your saving grace tonight.   
You snuggled against the familiar fabric, breathing in the scent of your old home off base, of childhood memories, and your parents. 

Yes, you had made a good choice there.

You drifted off, sleeping just as well as the Commander. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The familiar chime of your alarm jolted you awake.   
Drool coated the side of your face, and you could feel the sleep still in your eyes. You groaned in annoyance. Morning already?   
Sitting up, you stretched your body out, relishing the crack of your own bones.   
You glanced around your room. Glad to see your suitcase packed up, and noting that you were going to have to wake Ren up if you wanted to make your bed.

Wait.

Ren?

Suddenly it hit you like a plasma blaster to the brain. Kylo Ren was still in your room.  
For some reason you had expected him to be gone.  
Almost like he was a figment of your imagination, or a wraith in the night.   
But no. He was still here, monopolizing your bed and everything.

Not only was he still here but he seemed quite comfortable.   
He slept on his stomach, face turned to the side, so you could see the freckles dotting his face and his serene expression. You could hear his soft snoring, too. 

You smiled to yourself at the fact he was a heavy sleeper. 

Kylo Ren, destruction himself, was absolutely precious.  
He was also going to be late for the mission if he didn’t wake up soon.

You sighed.

You were going to have to wake him up.

His skin was so soft, you mused, remembering last night and how you had touched his face.   
You walked over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and pushing it softly. “Commander.” 

Nothing. 

Again. 

“Commander Ren?” You raised your voice a bit.

Nope still asleep. 

You placed a hand onto his forehead, willing in a jolt of energy. “Kylo, you gotta get up, you’re going to be late.” He groaned. 

Ah good. Your beautiful space prince was alive.

“Good Morning, sir.” You smiled as his brown eyes opened to meet yours. You could see the vague annoyance on his face, no doubt because he had slept so well. “I didn’t want to wake you up, but I figured you didn’t want to be late today.” 

“Why are you in my room, Lieutenant?” He was grumbling, obviously not a morning person. You snorted. 

“Well I’m in my room, Ren, and so are you.” You stepped back, gesturing to the small space that was your quarters. He frowned, sitting up. “And before you ask, I slept on the chair, so your modesty is still intact. “ You laughed. 

He blinked, a soft color appearing on his cheeks. 

“I had forgotten I had come.” He stated rising to his feet  
.   
“Did you sleep well?” You asked, handing him his helmet, brushing your fingers against his in a calculated move. 

“I…did. I slept fine.” Ren looked down at you seemingly torn between wanting to say something and not. “I should go, or I will be late.” He moved passed you. “I will see you in a few hours.”   
He walked out of your room. Leaving you standing near the door. 

He was adorable.

He was so awkward.

You had to admit that there was something about him that you couldn’t shake, something vulnerable that you just wanted to hug. 

The poor giant scary man. 

You smiled to yourself, almost wanting to scoff at your own goofy grin. 

Kylo Ren had slept in your room last night.

Hah.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“So…nothing happened?” Sarai looked disappointed.   
You were sitting next to her and Mitaka, idly pushing the breakfast vegetable hash around your plate.

“Nothing. He came in, we talked for a minute about the mission and he left.” You yawned placing a hand over your mouth.   
You hated to lie to your friends, you really did, but you had to be real with yourself.   
You doubted Commander Kylo Ren, head of the Knights of Ren, wanted anyone to know that he had fallen asleep in your room while you were petting his hair last night. 

“I can see it.” Mitaka nodded. “He seems like that kind of guy, like its an intimidation thing…unless…you two…you know.” He winked. You felt your face heat up. 

“I can’t believe you Dophled!” You fussed. “How could you even suggest that?” you swatted at his arm. “Why are you the absolute worst?” He smiled.

“Because I am your conscience. I am here to bring you truth.” You shook your head.

“Weirdo. Can't we just eat breakfast without you trying to get me to hook up with every higher up in the Order?"

"Absolutely not. I need you to marry well." He responded. "Plus you can't deny that you think he is good looking."

Why was Mitaka always so…right?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

You were standing in the loading bay, quietly checking your blaster gun, idly running your fingers down the smooth surface.   
Looking out you could see the vast firmament of space spread out before you, and it made you oddly melancholic.  
To think of your own insignificance in the universe was unnerving and yet at the same time comforting. 

It was comforting to know that your decisions and life would go largely unnoticed in the annals of time. 

Space was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. More beautiful than the waterfalls on Naboo or the great industrial centers on Coruscant. It was vast, largely empty, and a mystery. Everything that ever was or ever would be.

You loved space.

“Lieutenant” A familiar voice called your name and you straightened to attention. 

“Captain Phasma” You responded warmly. You liked Phasma. She was no nonsense, strong, the type of person you could rely on even in dire circumstances. Phasma was the ideal soldier. 

“What are you doing here so early? Your ship doesn’t leave for another hour.” That was true, honestly, after you had eaten you hadn’t known what else to do and your room just seemed so…empty. 

“I was just admiring the view.” You gestured out the large windows. “Oh and also cleaning my blaster, but barely.” She nodded. 

The captain was wearing her mask, which was the usual for her, you had never asked why.  
You had seen her without her helmet once, a shock of blonde hair, and a pretty face. You hadn’t known who she was at the time, and it was only later when you were gossiping with your friends that her identity had been revealed to you.  
Being able to train with her was intense. She was consistently tough but never pushed you farther than she knew you could go.

Captain Phasma was stable. 

You envied that about her.

You had never been that way. She was calm. Calm like the expanse of space and you were chaotic like all the planets inside. 

“I can see why you would be here, then. The view is beautiful.” Phasma took a turn, gazing into the expanse. “Thought provoking.” You placed the blaster in its holster.  
“Agreed.” 

“When you see the Admiral, give her my regards.” The captain turned to walk away from you. You feigned curiosity. “She and I were trained together, but it has been quite some time since I have seen her.”

“Can do, Captain.” 

“Good, Lieutenant.” She nodded, taking you for your word. “I wish you luck on this journey.”

“Thank you.” You didn’t spare yourself the thought that you would need the luck. Diplomatic discussions based on luck always ended badly.   
A commotion started behind you.   
It was time to go. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

General Hux was staring at you, well, correction, he was staring at you and Commander Ren. Why? You weren’t entirely sure. Granted Ren was standing very close to you, hovering would have been the term you used to describe it. Still nothing extremely out of the ordinary. 

Certainly not enough to warrant his attention.

You wonder if Kylo had tattled to Hux about your little sleepover.

You doubted it. You knew for a fact that if either of them had their way the other would be tossed into deep space.

“You have your orders” Hux barked at you. You clicked your boots together, saluting him.

“Yessir.” 

“I expect to only hear glowing things of your behavior and what you accomplish, understood?” He took a step closer to you.

“I understand, sir.” 

“Good, you should be able to fulfill your imperative regardless” He paused and glanced briefly at Ren, “Regardless of whatever distractions may be on board.” You stifled a smile.

“Yessir”

“You are dismissed, you may board.” He waved you off. 

You quickly handled your bag to the Stormtroopers waiting at the door of the ship before climbing in.

You were going on a mission. Your heart was practically singing. Albeit, a more dangerous mission that previously anticipated.   
The General had finally taken it upon himself to inform you that someone on the admiral’s staff had been selling classified information about first order flight patterns to local traders.   
You were going to help catch them.  
Well, you were going to help catch them while Commander Ren did all the work. 

You slid into the lounge of the military vessel, taking a seat near the largest window. 

You couldn’t help be excited.

Plus you would get to meet one of the first order heroes –the Admiral- and see your old friend again –Major Ferdinand- there was no way that this mission wouldn’t be fun, and also dangerous.  
Suddenly you were very glad that Ren had insisted to Leader Snoke that he be allowed to accompany you. 

To think that Hux thought you could do it alone.

Ridiculous.

You were a barely functioning adult.

A soft sigh catches your attention, you turn. Ren. Well, Ren taking off his mask.

“Going without today?” You ask, gesturing to it.

“We had an agreement” He shrugs, “No questions, no mask.” You smiled at him. 

“Come sit by me, Commander Ren.”

Yes your few days off base with Ren were going to help cement the friendship you so desired.

You just knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, yes, I want to touch Kylo Ren's face. 
> 
> Look forward to the next chapter having some dialogue between the reader and Ren. Gotta build that bond!
> 
> The reader so badly wants to be his "friend" if you catch my drift.


	7. In which you have opinions on decor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, you tried. You really did. 
> 
> Having a crush on the Commander was proving to be more difficult than expected.

You two were alone. Oddly enough.

Briefly you thought that perhaps the Commander had communicated something to the storm troopers who had chosen to disperse elsewhere on the comfortable transport. 

Well. 

It wasn’t your place to wonder those things.

He sat next to you nonetheless, leaning forward in the soft cushioned seat next to you. 

His hair, freshly washed you noted, swayed in front of his face like a curtain.   
You watched it, like a cat watching its prey, noting its blow dried softness. You could feel your fingers twitch.

Okay fine.

You really wanted to play with his hair.   
There was nothing wrong with that. Any reasonable person would want to.  
It looked perfect for braiding and was certainly the nicest hair you had ever seen.  
You watched your own hand move, as though possessed.   
Brushing his hair out of his face, you could feel the heat of his body as you leaned over. 

You licked your lips  
.  
Fuck. Mitaka was totally right.

You were definitely attracted to the Commander. 

He looked into your eyes. Dark brown orbs locked onto your own. You could feel your cheeks heating up. Yeah this was bad. Abort mission.   
You pulled back from him quickly, tucking your palms under your thighs, clutching your fingernails into your pants.  
He was looking at you now. Face once again dusted pink. The color made his freckles even more prominent.   
The silence was deafening. Yet you couldn’t speak, seemingly frozen to your spot. 

“Why did you lie to your friends?” He asked, almost out of nowhere, leaning his face up, his strong profile catching in the light. 

“Sir?” You respond, tongue untangling from itself.

“Mitaka and the girl, why did you lie to them about last night?” Oh. When had he found the time to find that one out?

“I…did, yeah.” You nodded, leaning back against your seat.

“I know you did, I was asking why.” There was a line of agitation in his voice. You sighed.

“Because I didn’t think it would be proper, or what you wanted, to let the entire ship know that you slept in my room last night.” You shrugged. “That’s all, Commander.”

“That’s all?”

“That is it. No wacky ulterior motive. Just trying to protect our reputations.” You looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “I honestly didn’t think you’d want word getting out. The situation seems very…informal. If you catch my drift.” He did, clearly. He was looking away from you, awkwardly shifting his body. 

“I understand.” He was still looking away. He looked strangely dejected. As though he had wanted you to tell them.

Wait. Had Ren wanted you to tell your friends?

Why?

There could only be one or two reasons why.

You reached for him, once again brushing the hair from his face. This time, however, you pressed a hand against his check. His flesh was warm. Warmer than your hand.   
You could feel him stiffen. 

“Look, Commander Ren, if you want, I’ll tell them you stayed over the next time.” You pat his face affectionately, before turning away from him. Mortified at your own forward behavior.   
If he took that wrong, you could be sent back in disgrace.  
But he wouldn’t. You knew he wouldn’t. You hadn’t read him wrong. Him asking to be put on this mission. Coming to you room. Letting you pet him. Taking his mask off.  
Kylo Ren had to feel something for you. Whether it was idle infatuation or something more, you knew it was there.

You weren’t about to just let it slide. 

No, you were going to get to the bottom of this.

You could feel your own heart beating quickly. He was hovering over you, you could feel his confusion mixing with your own.

“Did you just invite me back to your room?” He asked quietly. You stifled a laugh. He was looking at you with intent. Something in his gaze made your stomach flutter.

“Yes, Ren. I did.” 

“Why?” His gloved hands found your hips, turning you to face him, their strong grip causing a blush to spread across your face.

“Why?” You asked back, looking at him. Taking in his agitated expression. The way it felt to have his hands pressed against you. He leaned closer to you. His nose almost touching your own.

Your face was on fire.

What was he doing? Was he trying to kill you? To get your heart to stop?   
Whatever it was it was working.

You had never really been one for romantic experiences.  
You were a flirt at times, combining your natural theatrics with brazen confidence you didn’t really feel. But glaringly inexperienced in the art of romance. 

Yes, making out with boys was something you could do.  
Just not something you indulged in regularly.

Mitaka called you a well that hadn’t been tapped. 

Mitaka could be a pervert sometimes.

Mitaka was the worst.

This was his idea. He was the one who put it in your head that you liked the Commander. You were easily impressionable!

“Because…” You trailed off, unsure of what to say. “Because I want you there.” That was it.   
That was the best you could muster. He seemed frozen above you. Like an ice statue that tempts a child. “I want you to come back to my room.” 

You leaned up, angling your face just right, and pressed a light kiss on his lips. 

His lips were soft and dry, and you felt like they fit yours perfectly. You couldn’t move.   
You had to move.  
You willed yourself to pull away, looking at him like you were waiting for him to pull out his saber, but he still sat there. 

Briefly you wondered how the General would feel if you broke Kylo Ren.

“Kylo?” you ask, scooting away from him. Still nothing. But his eyes seem dark as a storm. Suddenly you felt afraid. Not of him, but of rejection.  
You feel a soft shiver run up your spine. “I’m so sorry, R- I mean Commander.” He stands, you sink further into your seat, searching his eyes for anything. He looks away, grabbing his helmet and sliding it back onto his face with a marked efficiency. Leaving the room in a few quick strides. 

Your face was burning with shame. Waiting for him to stomp down the hall you quietly slunk out of the room, seeking refuge in one of the mediation pods that came standard on all first order transports. 

Just a few more hours and you’d be off this ship, and away from your mistake.

So much for whatever that was.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Lieutenant!” a familiar voice called. 

The room you were in could be described as opulent, marble floors covered in carpet that had woven gold. Orbs of energy glowed as dim lighting, furs covered the walls.   
The aesthetic of a hunter on the prowl.  
You were staying in the home of one of the traders, a man who wished to remain anonymous lest any resistance sympathizers find out where his loyalties lie.   
Smart, when you considered how many people were murdered in Ganthel a month. Assassinations of all sorts were common in the industrial sector of the planet.

At least he was nice enough to vacate and lend his home to you all.

It was where you would be staying for the next few days, along with the Admiral’s crew, and the spy.   
You shivered softly.   
You didn’t like this place very much at all.

“Major Ferdinand!” You called back in response as the young man swept you into a hug, pulling you tightly against him. 

Bela Ferdinand was only a year older than you, had been a year ahead of you at the academy.   
High marks and natural talent had seen him rise faster than his graduating class. He was now a permanent fixture on the admiral’s staff. 

No wonder, you thought to yourself, when considering his looks. 

Bela had hair of soft blonde that he kept slightly longer than was appropriate for a soldier and his eyes were a honey gold.   
He was a native of Coruscant and had their lilting accent. Somehow, even after months on ships in deep space he still looked sun kissed and tanned.

In short, he was a lady killer if there ever was one.

But for all that he had earned that reputation you knew he wasn’t one.   
Bela had gotten as far as he had in part because he didn’t indulge in that type of behavior at all. Sure he talked a talk, but for as long as you had known him, he remained untouched and unattached. Neither women or men caught his interest.

You pulled away from him to get a glimpse of his face.

Still the same mischievous look in his eyes.

“You’ve grown since the last time I saw you.” He winked, you raised an eyebrow as he brazenly looked you up and down.

He hadn’t changed a bit since the last time you saw him.  
Down the hall you knew Ren and the Admiral were talking, walking closer to the study you two were in.   
“Behave, or our bosses will see you blatantly sexually harassing someone of a lower rank than you, Major.” Your delivery was dry.   
He let out a soft laugh.

“You haven’t changed a bit.”

“Neither have you.” 

That is how the Admiral and the Commander found you. Idly chitchatting with one another on your past at the academy.  
When you saw them you straightened, saluting them both but with more reverence for the Admiral.   
Ren wasn’t your direct superior, General Hux was, and he had specified that you would be under the Admiral’s control. 

Plus you had a hard time meeting his masked face.

He hadn’t spoken a word to you since he had stormed out of the lounge back on the ship.  
You sighed, a barely detectible noise.  
Why were you such a fuck up?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Mirhimah Liswoska was a beautiful woman.   
Short and lean, with a graceful walk and deep blue almond shaped eyes that seemed to see everything in the room. She kept her hair long and pulled into a serious braid with silver beaded thread woven into it. 

You assumed that the silver was picked to hide the sprinkling of premature gray hairs intermingling with her own naturally dark hair.   
You had heard she had started to go gray on her first mission. A death defying feet that had culminated in the defeat of many resistance fighters and a victory for the order.

You felt incredibly inadequate for this mission. 

Trying hard to avoid looking at the masked man to her left, you greeted the Admiral.   
She smiled a soft, reserved smile, taking your hand in hers. Her palms were rough.

“It is good to meet you Lieutenant” You smiled back.

“It is an honor to meet you Admiral Liswoska.”She retracted her hand and you felt your own fall limply to your side. “Captain Phasma told me to tell you she says hello.” That seemed to tickle the quiet woman, who chuckled softly under her breath.

“Commander Ren.” It was Bela’s turn. You winced as he looked expectantly at Kylo, who responded at the full height of his reputation for coldness. 

You could see the Major’s eyebrow twitch.  
Men. 

“I’m sure you have been briefed on the mission” The admiral smoothly slid into one of the chairs, gesturing for you to join her in the other. She paid no mind to the testosterone fueled stare off happening on the other side of the room. 

You figured you should follow her lead.

“Yes, Admiral.” 

“And you are aware of the risk to the order and to your safety?” You nodded. A spy at this level would have to be highly trained and dangerous. “It is of the upmost importance that we find whoever is behind this, and no better way than to catch them on mission. You and the Commander will be able to watch our staff during meal time and as they meander through the building. Luckily there are only 8 people to choose from. They are all higher ranking staff, it is a shame that one of them would do this.” She sighed, shaking her head like a mother who has caught a child sneaking a cookie “But this is all information you are aware of?”

“I am aware.” She nodded.

“It is unfortunate we are having to use you for this purpose, and not for what you are trained for.” She patted your shoulder. “I have heard from my major that you are a good aide. I will probably still rely on you for help and guidance.” You blinked.

Help and guidance? You felt very important all of the sudden.

“I-…I will do whatever I can to be of assistance.” 

“Good.” She smiled again before rising to her feet, not making a sound.   
You marveled at her. “Well” She began, raising her voice enough to catch the attention of the two men, standing near but not too close to one another. “Everyone appears to know what they are doing, and it is late. Tomorrow breakfast will be served in the dining hall, and the Major will acquaint you two with your subjects” She walked to the door, opening it in to the spacious and dark hallway. “He will also be kind enough to show the both of you to your rooms, right Major?” Bela nodded.

“Follow me.” He allowed you out before sliding behind you, making the Commander walk behind him. Bad form. You frowned softly. Glancing up at him. 

“You should walk ahead, Major. Since you are the one who knows where we are going.” You slipped behind him almost as soundlessly as the Admiral would have, falling into step behind the commander. You had brushed against Ren only briefly, feeling your skin heat up. “Lead the way.” 

Something touched the back of your head, you winced. A surge of an emotion like anger flaring inside of you.  
Ren was not about to get into your head like this.  
You sent him one thought back. –if you want to talk, don’t be a coward- 

You could see his shoulders tense.

No you weren’t going to put up with that. Sure you may have made a mistake, overstepped your boundaries but you weren’t going to let him use it as an excuse to get into your head, not after you spent so much time trying to keep him out. 

Not tonight.

“-Your room.” You caught the end of Bela’s statement. Blinking, you looked up at the door. He was staring at your expectantly.

“My room?” You clarified

“Yes, your room.” You nodded. 

“Thank you Major, Goodnight.” He smiled in the soft light of the candle, he looked almost ethereal, the golden glow turning him into an angelic vision. 

“Goodnight Lieutenant.”

“Goodnight Commander.” You mumbled softly, getting no response. You opened the door, slipping in quietly, feeling more agitated than anything else

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Your room was obscene.

Absolutely obscene.

You had grown up living that decent upper echelon lifestyle, to the point that many of your friends were a mixture of horrified and confused when they found out you actually planned on following your education into the military.   
However, your parents had always kept…decoration…to a minimum.

This was almost ridiculous. 

Plush bed, handwoven rugs on the floor and tapestries on the walls.   
Famous scenes, you saw Theed, the capital of Naboo. A battle, huge ships meticulously hand stitched and engaged in conflict, representing some battle you recognized, but weren't able to put a name too. 

To round those off there was a beautiful scene of a young woman posing nude on the banks of a pond, failing to notice the figure lurking in the trees just behind.

You shuddered.

She was prey.

You really did not appreciate his themed décor.

Conquest and imperialism mixed with decadence. It wasn’t your thing.

You noticed that your bag had already been unpacked, clothes folded meticulously.

You frowned, changed into your pajamas before climbing into the plush bed. You lifted up your hands, clapping them, the glowing energy lights dimmed just enough for sleep, but didn’t shut off.

You groaned, turning your face into your pillow. 

Sleep. You willed yourself. Sleep to dream.

You could feel it on the edge of your consciousness. The sweet release of sleep. It was on the tip of your mind.

Then. 

Like clockwork.

A knock at the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh! Who is at the door? 
> 
> But hey! You finally got to kiss him on the mouth. But he obviously couldn't handle it.
> 
> How will you and the obviously uncomfortable Kylo Ren make it through this mission?
> 
> Stay tuned to find out!


	8. In which the emotions run high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was moving so fast, but who was making it that way, him or you?
> 
> You just wanted to live in the moment.

-A knock at the door.

Seriously? You groaned into your pillow.

This was not something you wanted to deal with right now. You sat up, sliding out of bed and walking towards the door.

You opened it just enough to peek out into the hall.

There before you was one of the most feared and terrifying people in the galaxy, in other words, Kylo Ren.

But looking exceedingly less awe inspiring than usual. He was dressed down, a pair of soft looking pants and a simple T shirt.

Interesting.

For some reasons you had always pictured him sleeping in his work clothes.

“Commander?” You whispered, looking at him through sleepy eyes. “Are you alright?” You resisted the urge to snap at him. To tell him that if he had wanted to talk he had all the hours you two had been trapped on the ship to do it. You refrained.

He looked like he had been brooding. Not a new look for the commander, you reasoned, no cause for concern.

Hair disheveled, the dark circles under his eyes glowed under the faint hall lights, and his mouth was a resolute line, like he had something to say. He wouldn’t look you in the eyes.

Now you were frustrated.

You rubbed your eyes, trying to blink the sleep out of them, opening the door wider. “You can come in, if you’d like.”

He did, shuffling past you and sitting down on your bed, leaving you standing at the door.

Okay.

You shut the door, turning to him, hands on your hips. He looked up at you. You looked back. “Well” You began. “Do you have something to say.” You could hear the irritability in your own voice. You winced.

“You called me a coward.” He had an amused look on his face. “A girl who has never seen actual battle, whose only real experience was a one-time fluke called me a coward. “

You were frozen in place, not by the force, but by his gaze. His brown eyes looked sharp, angry.

“An academy trained, soft skinned, weak little girl” He sneered at you, you could feel your face blanch. “whose only real relevance is that you happened to harbor force powers. You called me a coward.” He stood up, towering over you.

You could feel like, that prickling in your eyes.

No not now, you had to keep it together.

You focused on the sound of your breathing. In and out. In and out.

“You know nothing of real fear, your desire for physical affection, for any affection, is a weakness. Unbecoming of the order.” He spat. There was so much emotion in his voice, it caught you by surprise.

Wait.

You jerked your head up, meeting his gaze, dark and stormy, with your own eyes, which you knew to be red and watery. You sniffed, wrinkling your nose. “Exchanging one type of cowardice for another.” You drawled, listening to your own voice crack. You leaned closer to him. It was easier to talk to him without his eyes on your face but you knew it would only strengthen his argument. “You say it is silly for me to call you a coward, and yet here you are, afraid.” You were clenching and unclenching your hands. You reached up, pressing your hands on either side of his face, searching for something. Answers maybe. To his feelings, to your own. It was an explosion of colors, like fireworks going off in your brain. There was anger, lots of anger, hatred, but not towards you. There was self-loathing. Underneath it all, after prying away at it, you found fear. Fear of his own power, of hurting you, of being alone. Of his feelings for you. Just a little bit more…

He yanked your hands away. “You are afraid Commander Ren.” He held your wrists painfully tight, shoving you roughly into the wall behind you. You winced as he pushed his fingers into your tender skin.

You were reminded of that other time, when he had discovered you were force sensitive.

You looked him dead in his eyes. Allowing your own anger to flare up. “You’re afraid because you wanted to kiss me.” You shot, glaring at him. “You’re afraid of having actual feelings that don’t just scratch the surface. Of feeling something that isn’t misery.”

“You don’t know anything about what I am afraid of.” He replied, but his hands were trembling, gripping your own.

“I felt it, Kylo.” You adjust your body against the wall. “I felt what you were feeling. The confusion the light and the dark. I know- “

“You don’t know!” He hissed, you had a feeling your wrists would be bruised in the morning.

“Fine.” Your reply quieted him down. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, so you continued. “Either you kiss me or you don’t” You said, letting your arms go limp, not fighting his strong grip. “Either you deny whatever this is or you don’t. I can’t control you. All I know is that we kissed. You wanted to kiss back, you didn’t.” you paused. “For whatever reason, and I want to kiss you again.”

You could feel his grip weakening on your poor wrists. “I can’t control you, or what you do, I can only tell you what I feel and what I want. I can tell you that you are strong, and powerful, and brave in battle. I can tell you that you are a good teacher, stern but not unfair. I can tell you that you are angry, but I am not afraid.” Some time, over the course of your response you felt his rage quiet, perhaps it was your own calm tone, or his own confusion, but by the end he had lowered your arms, and was holding your hands. It would have looked like a romantic picture, had it not been for the stark redness of where he had been holding you, and your own bloodshot eyes. "I can tell you all those things but they won't change how you act. I can't control you Commander. I can't make you feel something, or act on something. I am not here to be your weakness."  

He was evidently the master of silent pauses.

You couldn’t stand the empty space. “That is it, you don’t have to stay in here, Ren. I’m not forcing you to do anyth- “He cut you off, pressing his lips against your own, knocking his nose painfully against yours.

His hands left yours, moving to cup your face as he worked his mouth against your own forcefully. His kiss was full of need.

Need you responded to in kind.

Your hands found his hair, entwining themselves in his soft locks as he nipped on your bottom lip. You opened your mouth, gladly allowing his tongue to meet yours.

A competition you stood a chance in winning.

His hands dropped from your face to your waist, pulling you closer to him, even as your teeth knocked awkwardly together.  You stood there for a while, together, the soft battle continuing.

You broke the kiss, panting softly, pulling away from him. “Ren. I-“ He interrupted you.

“I don’t know.” His voice was almost pained. He brushed his hand softly against your cheek. “I don’t know what I am supposed to do.” You could only stare at him. Unsure of what to say. “I want to kiss you.” He says, planting a kiss on your forehead that maked you blush. “I want to kiss you repeatedly.” His words were thick with…something. It made you at once both anxious and eager. “But it is wrong.”

“Why” You blurt out, unable to control yourself.

Under normal circumstances, perhaps you would have been able to see the answer in front of you, but you were invested in this affair, whether you liked it or not.

“Because it is weakness” His eyes were solemn. “Because I have hurt people, I can hurt you. It is risky this....whatever this is. For us to continue. My grandfather, he and my grandmother." He paused, he seemed to be looking for the words. "She died because of him but I have to fulfill his legacy.” He held your wrists in his hands, placing his soft, cool lips onto each of the forming bruises. “I can't stray from what I am doing; I must finish this. I don’t have time for distractions.” You could see him getting agitated again, so you grabbed his arm, tugging him over to your bed,

“Lay down?” You offered, pushing him down softly before sliding your hands into his hair. “Duty and pleasure are both necessary, Kylo.” You offered, as a soft sigh left his mouth. You slid into bed next to him, maneuvering your body so that you continue to play with his hair.

His eyes were closed.

“Both are necessary. Plus, I remember reading somewhere that it is the Jedi that have to live without emotion” You could see him frown. “You aren’t a Jedi, so those rules don’t apply. Right?” He mumbled a soft yes, and snaked an arm across your waist, pulling you to him.

You sighed, as he cradled his face into your neck, his soft warm breath bringing goosebumps along your skin.

“We don’t have to follow the rules all the time Ren.” You spoke, thinking for certain that the commander had fallen asleep. Something in your chest ached as you continued to ruffle his hair.

What were you getting yourself into? Did you even care about the danger? What was most frightening was the fact that you didn’t think you did.

You thought back to when his lips had touched yours, and the feelings that had surged through you. Some yours, most his.

His overpowering desires, they made you yearn to create something good in his life.

You wanted to be a part of his life.

Whatever that meant, whatever the supposed danger.

Maybe you were an idiot. But at this moment it didn’t matter.

“No, we don’t.” You continued “We can break the rules this time.” You mumbled, allowing yourself to drift off too, unaware of how his arm gripped you tighter or how dark eyes stayed open for a long time after, trying to memorize every detail of the moment.

You didn't even realize it when he kissed your forehead softly, mumbling words you wouldn't remember into your ear. Words about keeping you safe, and other words too.

Things you weren't meant to know.

No, all you remembered before falling asleep was the warmth of his body and how you felt so safe in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why, Julie, you exclaim, this chapter is very short.  
> You are right, dearest reader. It is. But there are two reasons why:  
> 1\. It is finals week, and I have been very busy.  
> 2\. I honestly felt that this was an appropriate place to end the chapter. I feel like they are both super vulnerable and I didn't want to bring anyone else into their moment by including things outside of what happened there. 
> 
> Also, a brief aside. The reason that this goes from 0-100 on the relationship scale is because I picture two very emotionally starved and lonely people finding one another and really having that spark that sort of spirals out of control on its own. So we will see where that goes before someone or something intervenes.
> 
> I love you all and good luck to all of you who are still doing finals, I feel you.


	9. In which you use your blaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find your Resistance spy, and take a step towards figuring out what exactly the Order wants with your force powers.
> 
> Unfortunately this has left you at an awkward spot with the Commander.   
> Torn between his desire to shield you and your own desire to have answers you aren't sure what the future holds.

“How is it…you know…working with the Commander?” Bela was sitting across from you, idly pushing at his oatmeal.

You sighed.

Ren had been gone before you had woken up, leaving you feeling cold and confused. -Two things you were not fond of feeling. - You saw him now, across the dining room, talking in hushed tones to the Admiral.

You knew, suddenly, more than you did about how this affected him. Your pushing him into admitting that he had feelings for you, whatever they were, jeopardized him. Not just him but also his mission. –whatever that was- and his relationship with Snoke, that shadowy figure you had only heard of in hushed whispers. The fact you were force sensitive was not helping him either, you decided.

They all played a role in something bigger than you.

Something, you decided, that you needed to find out.

Risk vs. Reward. How did you fit into this picture? Was whatever information being kept from you worth knowing? Why had Snoke insisted Ren train you if all you were going to do is work background spy missions like this?

You thought of the girl from Jakku. She played a role in all this too.

You felt there was something. Just out of your reach, just beyond your sight, that had the answers you were looking for.

“Working with Commander Ren is fine.” You responded, just a few seconds too late, you knew the Major could see you were distracted. “I still primarily work for the General but when I am with the Commander he is…okay.” You trailed off, taking a bite of the toast you had grabbed. “Firm and not unfair. I guess my biggest issue is avoiding his temper.” Bela nodded.

“If..” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “You ever need anyone to talk to about it. Let me know. I can be a good ear. I have problems with the order regularly.” He laughed. You smiled.

“I never thought you’d be the type to cause trouble, Major.” You adjusted the blaster at your hip. You scanned the room. There were 11 people there counting yourself. You, Ren, the Admiral and the 8 suspects.

You paused.

Which one? They all looked as nondescript as you know you looked when working with the General.

Why would they be selling the order out? How did they manage to get this high up without someone realizing that they had Resistance leanings? You took another bite of your toast.

You were going to find out

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Of course it took the Commander less than a second to explain to you that you were going to be working with the Admiral and not with him.

“This isn’t a job for someone with such a small grasp on the force.” His voice modulator crackled. Rude.

“You know full well I can read a mind, Commander.” You shot back, crossing your arms. The Admiral’s staff was staying at the home, while she and the major were going to go attend the meetings and negotiations. This was specifically so you and Ren could get into the minds of the staff and determine who the rat was without causing a scene. You doubted Ren wouldn’t cause a scene if you weren’t there.

“A resistance spy who has gotten to this level of office is dangerous.” Ren grabbed your hand, just slightly above your wrist, which was currently sporting hand shaped bruises. Luckily for you, your uniform covered them without much problem. “Too dangerous for you to handle. Yes, you can use, but you aren’t field trained-“

“I am field trained.” You explained. “We are all field trained, and I also have academy training.” You gestured to the blaster at your hip. “Plus this. I mean, I am armed and dangerous.”

“No. You still need more training. I'll decided when you are ready” You had to stop yourself from blurting out that if he was so interested in you being battle trained, maybe he ought to allow you to do it. You knew he heard it, because made sure to project it. “You’re going to be late.” He simply stated. You sighed, this wasn’t a battle you were going to win.

“Be safe, Commander.” You stepped closer to him. “Especially since I won’t be here to protect you.” You let yourself grin before turning around and walking away. Just because he was being serious doesn't mean you couldn't poke fun. Hurrying to catch up to the Major and Admiral. You didn’t catch his response, but you didn't need to.

Okay. Fine. So you didn’t get to flex your force powers. But that didn’t mean that you weren’t going to enjoy being on Ganthel, and getting to actually do real work. The Major slowed his pace, falling into step with you.

“I see the Commander has put you with us today?” “Yes, I think he’s pretty much got a handle on what is going on. I’m just sort of here for moral support?” You laugh softly. “Which means I get to see this negotiation. Which I am super excited for.” Bela nods, patting you on top of your head.

“It’ll be interesting that is for sure. The people of Ganthel really don’t care about loyalty, the care about money. Something the First Order has in droves.” You nodded, reminding yourself that was another reason this mission was so important. If someone were to leak where the supplies and capital of the order were stored it could spell the end of their trek to supremacy.

“We are certainly in a better spot to win this alliance than the Resistance.” You replied, stepping into the transport pod that would take you to the negotiations. The Major nodded.

“Yes, the First order is. I’m not sure what the Resistance could offer that would change that.”

“Nothing.” You stated, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. “They are trying, with that spy, but even with someone in the higher echelons they still have nothing to offer that beats the offer of order and an end to chaos.” You looked at him. Studying his face thoughtfully. You could see a wrinkle on his forehead that hadn’t been with him when he was in the academy and he seemed tired.

“Do you really think the spy isn’t a danger to the order?” He frowned.

“No. I’m merely saying that the spy will eventually get caught. They have no chance.” You shrugged. “You don’t think the Commander won’t be able to find them, do you?”

“No- I’m sure that he will find them.” Bela nodded. “Sooner rather than later.” You leaned your head against the window.

The Commander would have it all taken care of by the time you got back.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

You sat quietly, off to the side, close enough to the Major to reach out to him, far enough away to be unable to read what was on his data-pad, the nominal position of strategists in training.

You were watching the negotiations, careful not to let your thoughts drift too far away from the matter at hand. The Ganthel traders who had chosen to attend were actually very few. Only four men and two body guards. Each of them had a blaster, nothing more.

Strange. You noted, but not so strange. It was their home planet. They didn’t exactly need a delegation to prove their point. It was the First Order who had come out to impress. They had just come to be bought. One, a tall man with leering eyes and sharpened teeth was pointed out to you as the man whose home you were occupying. You shivered at the thought. Every so often you saw him glance at you with a predatory look.

Enough for you to wish that Ren had chosen to keep you with him. You brushed it off. You didn’t need the Commander to take care of you. Having already made it through 2 hours of negotiations, you could handle this. You typed on the data pad, recording the conversation that was going on, and adding your own suggestions for further negotiation.

Damn. There he was again. Staring at you. What was his problem? You were typing again. Unbroken streams of consciousness. They were talking about trade agreements about the number of ships the order would be willing to provide. The admiral started off with a small amount, a good tactic to get them to reveal how many the required.

You expected an argument. There was none.

They were agreeing to only a small fleet of around 10 ships, even though they were in the heart of the galaxy.

This wasn’t diplomacy. Something was up.

The admiral seemed very pleased with the easy negotiations, you couldn’t see the Major’s face. Looking through your notes you came to a conclusion that left a bad taste in your mouth.

They had agreed to every offer.

The first offer. No negotiations. 

There was small talk and then boom. They acquiesced.

Every time.

To things, you noted, that would hurt their normal trade routes. You felt the man’s eyes on you again. This time, instead of ignoring that unsettling feeling in your stomach, you dipped into his head.

You clutched at your data pad, your fingers digging into the smooth metal.

No. No. Breath. You instructed yourself. In and out. In and out. Ren wouldn’t find his spy in those unsuspecting people.

Because the Spy was here. In this room. You had seen it all in the man’s head. Them shaking hands, the agreement. While there were more than enough people present to overrun your small group here, they had a larger group stationed, ready to pounce on the Commander. You, in particular, became a person of interest, your force powers, something the spy had disseminated, were enough to intrigue the hunter, who had half a mind to make you his slave. The other half was to hunt you and kill you like an animal. You felt a shiver working its way up your spine. Not today.

You dipped into the minds of the other traders as well.

They were out for the Admiral and Commander, hoping to deliver a huge blow to the order. They were resistance offshoots, not under the command of Leia Organa, but willing to work for pay. Pay they could receive for their heads, and for the information the spy was giving them about First Order ships and transports.

Shit.

You tried you open the channel between yourself and Ren. He was far away, busy. You were screaming into the abyss. You weren’t sure he heard. You were typing on your data-pad. A message to the commander.

“Ambush imminent. Be on guard. I found the spy.”

You had a feeling that things were about to escalate very quickly. You hit send anyway.

There was a 90% chance that the spy had bugged the data-pad. Now to sit and find out.

Fuck.

This was stressful.

You tried to center yourself, what would the commander do, you thought, in your shoes. Probably kill everyone with his bare hands.

That wasn’t a comforting thought.

You could see the Major stiffen. He ratted himself out. There it was, your proof.

Your mouth was thin line as you reached for your blaster, you patted his shoulder with your free hand, actually freezing him with the force, you could still fill him under your hand, wriggling. No you had to maintain control. This was life and death. This wasn’t training, this wasn’t a game. You reached up, you fired.

Never underestimate a foe. You thought quickly, wrapping your arm around Bela’s throat. Ducking under him so that anyone aiming for you would hit him first. You had blasted the face off of the man with the sharpened teeth. The blood splatter reaching your own body. 

You fired again, hitting the guard behind him. Two quick attacks, barely within the span of 10 seconds.

The Admiral was on her feet, she looked at you only briefly before drawing her own weapon, ending the lives of the other guard and two of the traders. They weren’t even being given the time to fight back. As they were scrambling towards the exit she had fired her shots, taking them each out.

It felt like this wasn’t even real, like you were watching a scene from a training video, not living the chaos of an ambush. First order efficiency at its strongest. You thought to yourself. You paused. She was immaculate, quick and precise. You fired three shots, hitting the last man before feeling a sharp pain in your thigh. Bela had managed to stab you in your thigh when your control had waivered.

That asshole.

How dare he. How dare he worm his way into your lives. This man who you had known since you were in the academy, since you were teenagers. He was the spy. Why? You winced. Tightening your grip with your non blaster hand, putting more pressure on his throat. You tucked your blaster into your holster, reached down, and pulled the knife out of your leg.

“Fuck” you groaned. Wishing Ren had taught you how to knock out this bastard with the force.

“He’s the spy?” The admiral asked, stepping over to you. You nodded.

“Yes Ma’am.” With one swift move she removed your arm from his neck and pressed down, he was out in seconds.

“Wow.” You mumbled, gripping the chair in pain. “You are impressive.” She barely glanced at you in reply.

“How did you know.”

“I read the asshole with the sharp teeth’s mind because he wouldn’t stop staying at me.” You reached for Bela’s data-pad. “Also he has been monitoring my conversations with the Commander.” You handed it to her. “They plan on ambushing the Commander and your crew. You might want to let them know.”

You fell back into your chair, looking at your leg.

“Also I’ve been stabbed, so...” She nodded.

“Right. Let’s work on that.”

______________________________________________________________________________

Three and a half hours later you were sitting in your room, reclined on that too plush bed.

As it turned out, while Bela had negotiated with the resistance he had also actually scheduled meetings with First Order sympathizers. Something he could report to his superiors. They were supposed to be meeting the Admiral at the meeting house minutes before the ambush, giving the resistance ample opportunity to kill them too.

Of course once the offshoot was caught and well…dispatched (not that you were present for that, you weren’t) you were surprised. They had tried to kill Ren using a small unit of 20 men. How insulting to your death mop. Well to the death mop.

You had been escorted to the on staff medic, completely avoiding Ren in the process, who had patched you up.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have any restoratives on us.” He stated, smiling wanly. “But the Major stocked us up before we left, he must have…” Right.

He must have not thought that they would need it.

So now you were stuck in bed, with a stab wound to your thigh. You were frustrated. You were freaked out. You had killed several people.

It had felt so mechanical.

The Medic had cleaned blood splatter off your face when he was patching you up. Clearly impressed at the damage you must have done.

You hadn’t been shaking then, but you were now. You covered your face in your hands rolling over onto your stomach. What was happening to your life? You felt trapped in this room, a surge of emotions falling over you as you gasped for air. The glass chandelier dangling above you shattered, shards raining down like snow upon the bed. You laid there. Too afraid to move, for what seemed like a lifetime.

Your door opened.

You heard Ren call out your name, heard his mask drop to the floor. “What happened?” He was at your side, pulling you up. You were rigid in his grasp. Looking at him with a conflicted glance. “We found the spy.” You answered simply. He was looking you over, brushing the shards out of your hair.

“I meant in here.” He flicked his hand outward, the glass, carried by the force, falling onto the floor, tinkling like wind chimes in a breeze.

“The force.” You pulled your good leg up to your chin, resting your face on your knee. “I killed people today, Kylo.” You started simply. “You were right, I wasn’t ready.” You let it hang in the air. He ran his fingers down your leg, the freshly bandaged one, sparing a moment to ghost over your wound. You could see the anger in his eyes.

“He’ll suffer for this.” His voice was a hiss and his eyes were like fire.

“He’ll suffer anyway, regardless.” You waved your hand, dismissively. “I’m sure you’ll get to have your fun with him but I want to know why he did it.” You met his angry gaze. “I want to know how much he knows.” He made an acquiescing gesture.

“You may accompany me if you want.” He brushed a hand on your cheek, so softly it made you feel like a porcelain doll. You snorted at his formality. “The Admiral didn’t make it clear how injured you were. “He was frowning, “I came as soon as we secured the area.” You nodded, more than a little flattered at his worry for you. “You’re aware that the diplomatic discussions will continue?”

“I am.”

"When we return to the Finalizer, which we are, tomorrow.” His voice was neutral. “You will have to report Supreme Leader Snoke.” You stiffened.

“Why?”

“It’s at the General's request” Ren hissed, clenching his fists. “The Admiral reported back to Hux, and it seems he told the Supreme Leader about what happened today." 

“And?” You prompted.

“And he thinks you are ready.” He cut off, before he could finish his thought.

“Ready for what?”

“No questions when I have the mask off.” His clipped response infuriated you. You groaned, flopping back onto the bed.

Of course he’d pull this.

This was your life he was so casually brushing off.

Whatever it was that Snoke wanted, obviously Kylo did not. You had a feeling he had been underreporting your progress, making you seem weaker than you were. But what was he trying to hide. What was he trying to protect you from? Why was he trying to in the first place?

That night, the Commander did not stay with you. Didn't comfort you. Other than that brief moment where he had touched your face he remained aloof. Cold. Only in his eyes did you see the pained expression.

You didn’t ask why. You knew he wouldn’t tell you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter for all of you lovely people that read this week after week! <3
> 
> I finished my finals, so I figured I could give you all (and myself) a reward by reminding myself that this story does have plot, and we are just getting into it. 
> 
> I want more romance. So I hope that the Reader and the Commander can figure out their struggles sooner rather than later.
> 
> We'll see.


	10. In which you start getting answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was time to discover what exactly Supreme Leader Snoke had planned for you.
> 
> You would meet it head on.
> 
> It wasn't like you had a choice.

“Commander is this necessary?” You questioned, clutching at your leg with a wince. “I mean, I think it is probably best that I at least go to the med bay and get some bacta or something.” You were trying to follow behind him as fast as you could, but it was proving to be more than a little difficult, considering the knife wound to your leg still hadn’t been properly patched up. “Or would you prefer me to meet the Supreme leader with a limp?”

Ren stopped in front of you, allowing you to catch up. He was wearing his mask again, and seemed as remote as the other side of the galaxy.

“Supreme Leader said he wanted to see you immediately.” He grabbed you by your arm. “He did not say you had permission to go to the med bay.” You winced as he started walking again, half-dragging you to that meeting room you had only heard of in whispers, yelping at least once at a particularly hard tug.

“Commander, sir.” You hissed. “I understand we have an imperative here, but I am _wounded_.” You jerked your arm away from his grasp. “The urgency here is noted, but I can only travel so fast on one and a half working legs.” You huffed, knowing full well you were leagues more anxious than aggravated.

This Snoke character. This dark shadowy figure that, whether you liked it or not, was in complete control of your life and the lives of the people on this ship. What exactly was his role in Ren’s life?

You knew well enough that the General harbored a mixture of respect and fear for the being. But it was all tempered with a hefty dose of realism. Hux would support anyone who would ensure his own position. You sighed softly. The man wanted to be emperor of the galaxy, if that meant sucking up to a grotesque gargoyle of a man, he would.

But Ren.

What did Snoke have over Kylo? What was their connection. You frowned, doing your best to keep up with Ren. Stopping at a large set of doors. Why was the Commander so unwaveringly loyal? Like a dog at the foot of his master. But was it loyalty…or fear?

“Do I go in alone, then?” You asked, glancing at his masked face, waiting for a response. He hesitates and for a brief moment you were terrified that he is going to tell you yes. Yes you must go in and confront this situation alone.

“No.” You breathe a sigh of relief. “I’ll go with you.” He opened the door, allowing you to step through.

The room was dark. A huge throne dominated it. You were shocked. How did they fit it on this ship? Not only how, but why? Why install a giant throne? You look back at the Commander. He is silent, but you can feel his hand on your shoulder, nudging you forward. You try not to stumble. All to conscious of your wound.

Just ahead there was the General, he appeared agitated, noting your limp with a sharp frown. “Ren, you didn’t think to take her to the med bay?” He asked, his tone unkind. He grasped you on the arm, a gentler grip than Kylo, almost like he was trying to steady you. “If her wound gets infected she will be _useless_ to the Supreme leader.”

Wait, was Ren trying to make your wound worse? Stars. What kind of fucked up nonsense was this.

A quiet descended upon the room. The two men gazing at the throne expectantly. You glanced up at it, hoping that they wouldn’t tell you that they actually were worshiping the damn chair.

Your leg hurt.

You wanted to be in bed.

You wanted to be with your parents, you wanted to be on Naboo, where your mother’s sisters would pamper you and call you gifted, and say you were the moon that brought the tide each month.

That would be preferable.

But instead you were here. In this half freezing room with your boss and your other boss –boyfriend? Man-you-have-kissed-more-than-once?-. Waiting on their boss to reveal to you some deep secret about your purpose in the universe, all while you slowly bled out.

Suddenly, like the old projection of a holo-vid, Snoke –the ‘supreme leader- appeared. A giant, on holo at least, filling up the large throne.

Again you can’t imagine why they felt the need to build an actual throne for this.

You try to banish your awkward, invasive thoughts. A product of nervousness, you knew they could get you in trouble with Snoke, who was certainly the better force user in the room.

So you stand there, glazing up at the hologram, unsure of what to do.

Ren and the General were just behind you. You could feel Ren’s nervous energy, and you were trying hard to banish it from yourself. The General, however, seemed calm, almost giddy. As though he was winning something.

It hit you.

He had beaten Ren. Beaten him with you.

You were scowling.

A deep chuckle shocked you into reality again.

“I see you have figured out the machinations of your superiors, girl.” It was Snoke, he seemed amused by your thoughts. You flushed, a jolt of fear traveling up your spine.

“Y-Yes S-Supreme Leader.” You fought your stutter with everything you had, but you couldn’t keep it out of your voice. Oddly enough your fear seemed to please him.

“Let me aid you further.” He continued. “The General is pleased because he things he has bested the Commander. Although the General was displeased at your discovered force powers in the beginning, once it was clear the Commander did not want you on the battlefield his tone changed.” You angled your head to glance at Hux, whose own face seemed tinted pink with shame. “This is of course, because although both of these men are adults and leaders, they bicker like school children.” It was almost shocking to watch. Both men remained silent at this verbal abuse.

“I s-see, sir.” You respond, looking back up at him.

“But I’m not done yet, girl. Because this story continues, at the same time, the Commander does not want you to be here, because he knows that this is about you becoming an active participant in the events quickly unfolding here. He is fond of you, and although it appears from your record and from your gifts that you are more than capable of continuing your training at a more intensive, battlefield capacity, he has refused.” You were biting your lip.

Ren was protecting you. You knew that.

But from what exactly?

The man continued to talk unabated. “However, regardless of the desires of both the General and the Commander, the time has come for you to obtain your mantle.”

“I…uh…what do you mean, S-Supreme Leader?” You ask, you can feel yourself shrinking. Although his voice is never raised, never angered, something about it chilled you to the bone, made you want to bolt.

“You know of the force now, there is no denying it.” You nodded. “Well, the galaxy seeks balance, child. Your appearance here in the order is no coincidence.” There was that nagging feeling again. Like you knew the answer, like it was on the tip of your tongue but you couldn’t quite reach it. “Just as the girl from Jakku has awoken, so to have you.”

You froze. The imagine of the girl’s screaming face burned into your brain.

The Jakku girl.

Of course.

“You have awoken to balance her tipping to the light.” He was smiling now, a sickly sight. “It is Ren’s job to ensure that you are capable enough to beat her in battle.” All the pieces of the puzzle were now in front of you.

Ren wanted to protect you from battle.

To keep you off the field.

Honestly, not surprising considering you lack of battle experience.

But back on Starkiller you had been able to repel the girl.

Couldn’t you beat her?

“She isn’t strong enough.” There is Kylo, finally opening his mouth. His modulated voice falling flat in the room. “Supreme Leader she isn’t strong enough to fight the Gi-“

“No, Kylo Ren, you are not strong enough to defeat the girl called Rey.” Snoke cuts him off. You wince.

Rey was her name, then.

“But your weakness does not negate this child’s natural ability. Perhaps you are strong enough to defeat your uncle, Luke Skywalker, and this one is strong enough to beat the girl.” Snoke nods to himself.

You realize that he has been the one calling the shots since the beginning. That this was his master plan. You'd fight the girl, you'd kill the girl. And Ren, Well Ren would-

Wait. His uncle Luke Skywalker.

Ren’s uncle was Luke Skywalker? The famous Jedi? Hadn’t Snoke said that Ren had been a Jedi’s apprentice? But if he was Skywalker’s nephew.

His mother was Leia Organa. The literal head of the Resistance.

Fucking Leia Organa. Former Senator, before the Hosnian System had been destroyed.

His grandfather was Darth Vader, and his grandmother…Padme Amidala. Queen of Naboo.

Your grandmother had talked about Queen Amidala frequently and you had to wonder; was this all some genetic metaphor for servitude? That you should be by his side.

That mask. Did he have some grandfather issues or what?

And his father...

He had killed his father, the man Han Solo.

Oh Kylo. You could feel something near your heart tighten. The poor boy.

Stars. What were you dealing with?

“Kylo Ren, as punishment for your weakness” your attention was regained again. Snoke’s tone was harsh. “You will continue your training of this girl, but she must be given a saber. Whichever way you choose. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” Ren’s voice was clipped. You could see the strain in his muscles.

He was very unhappy.

“And girl.” Snoke’s voice is like slime. “Remember, you are always being watched, and remember where your loyalty lies.” You nod.

The hologram flickers out without another moment’s notice.

You let out a long exhale. Weakly teetering on your one good leg.

Oh no.

Not again.

Before you can plummet to the ground, Ren catches you, holding you bridal style.

You can faintly hear Hux chastising him for not taking you to the med bay.

Too many thoughts swirl through your head.

Ren was a Jedi? Ren was a Skywalker? Of course he was a Skywalker –or well, an Organa?- because it could never just be easy.

You snuggle yourself against his chest.

Your death knight was so troublesome.

You could hear Ren grumble.

“You’re intentionally projecting” He hisses. You just smile.

“I hope they don’t have to amputate my leg, pretty boy.” You respond.

His modulated voice gave a deep sigh.

Yet, you notice he walked faster.

 

_________________________________

 

A day of convalescing. The bacta worked wonders, of course. You could still hear Sarai tutting her tongue. Telling you that if you kept coming back to the Med Bay like this she’d have to report it to her superiors.

You only laughed.

Not that it would have mattered what they had decided to say.

Mitaka had brought you flowers.

You realized that you hadn’t seen them both in several days. For what it was worth, however, word of your actions had gotten around.

“I can’t believe it would be Bela.” Mitaka sighs. “I mean what did he have to gain?”

“Oh, I’m going to find out.” You state simply.

“You are?” Mitaka looks amused, as though your newfound position of power was some sort of practical joke.

“Yes, I’m sitting in on his interrogation.” You shrug. “I’ll figure out what his reasoning for betraying all of us is.” Sarai looked uncomfortable at how nonchalant you were being.

“Aren’t you worried about how gruesome that will be?” You shook you head

“Absolutely not, the man is a traitor, he deserves it.”

“I wouldn’t have taken you for a First Order purist.” She responds

“I know what I am about.” You replied. “I know what this order is and can be, he did too, or so I thought.” More than anything you were confused. What could drive a darling of the Order to selling off the lives of his comrades?

 

_________________________________

 

This wasn’t an interrogation room so much as it was a cell.

A cell with the former Major suitably restrained to a chair in the middle of the room.

You sat awkwardly in the corner while Ren stood in front of the captive.

You knew the major would die. So did he. There was no question. He was a traitor and the punishment was death.

What you really didn’t expect was all screaming. It had hurt the first time Ren had read your mind, but whatever the knight was doing to Bela was extreme.

You covered your ears as Kylo pulled the information from Bela’s mind.

Nothing was said.

After it ends you are left frowning. Bela was panting and his nose was oozing blood. Pitiful.

You wanted to ask. You know Kylo wouldn’t approve, so you did it anyway.

“Why, Bela?” You saw them both stiffen at your voice. “Why did you do it.”

“I don’t have to tell you anything, First Order whore.” He spat. You all but gasped in shock. Whore? You could feel the red on your face. Is that what he thought of you? Is that what was going around? Ren’s force choking helped to quiet the prisoner down.

“Read his mind.” Kylo offers. You know he is right. So you hop out of your seat, walking over to the writhing form of your former friend.

You knew that you should feel something akin to pity, or sorrow. Yet, you didn’t. It was unnerving. You were not a monster, yet his pain didn’t affect you at all. You were detached.

You pressed your hands against his temples. Searching.

You saw his life at a glance. The blonde child playing in the waters of his home world. Two loving parents. An academy upbringing. An expectation to join the Order. A resentment of authority. Disgust at order, the storm troopers, fighting.

A contact with a resistance pilot during battle. The sudden realization that he didn’t have to be with the Order.

An easy betrayal.

“That’s it?” You pull out of his head. You can hear the demand in your own voice. “That’s why you did it? Because you realized you _could_?” He glares at you.

“You are a monster, just like him. Barely human.”

“Bela, you are the one who was selling out your own comrades, ensuring their deaths at the hands of the enemy, don’t talk to me about being a monster.” Your voice was deadly calm, you wondered if it was even coming from yourself.

“This organization is filled with murders. You kill indiscriminately. You don’t care about people.” There, you thought, he was off. “I sat here for years, watching them all pillage and burn the galaxy and for what? For Order? I don’t fucking think so. You can’t actually think that is what they are doing all this for can you? They did it to kill the last of the Jedi.” You can feel Ren seething.

Was there truth to his words? You assumed yes.

“It was easy to make the choice. If I were you I would still do it” Bela’s dark eyes bore into yours. You looked away.

“Do as you wish with your prisoner, Commander. I’m done with him.”

You walk out.

His answers failed to give you the closure you needed.

Back to the drawing board.

At least you were getting a light saber out of all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello yes, I found the plot. It is here. Emerging slowly.  
> The reader is becoming quite the sass master, if I do say so myself. Especially to her Commander. 
> 
> Yes, I know, we are lacking in the romance department here. But we are discovering so much about the reader's purpose! 
> 
> Of course we can't forget about her and the Commander. Now that he must start training her for battle, I wonder what that will do to (or for) their relationship.
> 
> Stay tuned to find out. <3


	11. In which you can't sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prophetic dreams were not what you had signed up for.

Ch. 11

 

_The battlefield smelled acrid like fire. You were coughing, the smoke clogging your lungs. The forest around you is both completely foreign and yet eerily familiar. You looked around wildly, bodies of storm troopers and resistance soldiers littered the ground._

_There had been a battle._

_Why couldn’t you remember?_

_You needed to remember-_

_You felt like you were swimming. Your hands were covered in blood, the coppery smell hitting your nose and lingering. You gagged, stomach churning at the disemboweled bodies that littered the ground. The blood and char led you to one conclusion: The Jedi._

_In your heart you knew those were light-saber wounds. Not as clean cut as you had imagined. You picked up the pace, working towards the central point, the point where you would find what you were there for._

_The forest turned into a clearing, ruins overgrown with vines dominated the landscape, you tripped over a stone, landing in a puddle. The water sprayed your face._

_An iron taste._

_Not water, blood. You groaned, the air sucked out of your lungs. A woman’s scream._

_You were in the clearing now, watching the scene unfold. A familiar woman with a bright blue light-saber. An older man, succumbing to his wounds. Dead. And-_

_And-_

_The Commander, Ren, Kylo...another name echoed in your head, but you couldn’t focus._

_Ren was on the ground and you saw yourself, leaning over him, the tears streaming, you were shaking him, but it was no use._

_He was gone._

_Your hand reached for his saber._

____________________________________________________________________________________

You gasped, shooting up in bed and clutching your chest.

A bad dream, you assured yourself, a result of too much training, too much history. _But it had felt so real._ You tried not to think about him, limp, his face too white against the red of his blood. The heat fleeing from his body, leaving him cold and lifeless. You tried not to think about the implications of the vision itself of the girl called Rey or the older man you knew was Luke Skywalker.

Not a vision, you corrected, just a simple dream.

A dream brought about by overworking yourself, not from suddenly developed psychic force powers that allowed you to see the future in dreams.

No, certainly not that.

Ren. That bastard putting you through this, had taken Snoke’s demands too far, and had you working most of the day, but never with him. This created innumerable problems with the General, who still had you working in your down time. You were overloaded, and Ren was nowhere to be found. He had withdrawn, to where you weren’t sure, for whatever purpose he had. He wasn’t on the ship.

Lying in your own empty bed you wished he wasn’t doing whatever it was he was doing in his self-imposed exile. You had a feeling he could keep your nightmares at bay.

You tried to ignore your own implications.

It was just a dream.

So why was it that every time you closed your eyes, it came back, vivid and more lifelike than the time before?

“Block!” Phasma yelled as you yanked your arm up just in time to stall the attack. You grabbed the trooper’s arm with your free hand, using the momentum of your own body to toss him to the ground. You were panting and clutching at your side. The male storm trooper had landed a pretty spot on hit to your ribs a moment before and you were sure it was already bruising.

The silver-clad Captain dismissed her troopers and you were happy enough to see them leave. The last few weeks without Ren had been all hand to hand combat training and blaster training with Phasma. It left you blooded and bruised more often than not, and combined with your recurring nightmare meant that you were more of a walking zombie than a human being at this point. You had to keep going though, you couldn’t stop. If you weren’t strong enough, how would you prevent what you kept seeing?

“You are improving” Phasma commented, walking over to you. “I could trust you to defeat anyone who challenged you to battle.” You snorted.

“Too bad the Resistance isn’t known for its complete lack of weaponry and sole reliance on hand to hand combat.” You straightened your body, aware of her gaze on you. You appreciated the Captain for all the help she had given you, even though you knew it was in part because you were now a weapon of the Order. However, that didn’t stop you from being a sensible person.

Hand to hand combat skill would only get you so far when you were faced with a Master Jedi and his light-saber wielding apprentice. After all a literal glow stick of death would always be more effective than your bare hands, but that didn’t mean you had to snap at the captain. “Sorry, I’m just frustrated about this entire thing.” You continue, tossing off the weights on your wrists. “I feel like I’m not getting stronger fast enough, I’m not sure what to do.”

“Well for one you should sleep more, you are clearly exhausted.” Phasma stares down at you, a knowing look on her face. “Although you continue to improve, and you are improving at an admirable speed, your response time is still subpar, I believe this is because you are not sleeping enough, you look quiet miserable.” Damn, she was perceptive.

“I have been having trouble sleeping.” You grudgingly offer her the information. “I’ve never been a particularly good sleeper and these last few weeks it has been more…difficult than usual, but I’m making it.”

“I’m giving you the next three days off.” Before you have time to protest Captain Phasma is walking away. “You are of no use to the order if you are dead on your feet, get some rest.” You sighed deeply, three days off of training didn’t mean anything, you still had a job. “That is from everything.” She says, stepping out of the room. “Including your work with the General. Go to your room, take a break”

Oh.

Looks like you were getting some time off.

____________________________________________________________________________________

_There was blood on your hands. Sticky and hot. The tears fell but they didn’t blur your vision, you could see everything. He was lying next to you, his breathing so shallow, like it was barely even there. You were kneeling next to him, your hands on his chest and you were begging. Praying to whoever or whatever will listen, to save him, to keep him with you, how were you supposed to do this alone._

_You knew you don’t have very much time, that the girl would soon realize you were her next target soon enough. He says something, your heart lurches in your chest._

_“I…I-“ He coughed, blood on his pale face, the light-saber wound to his stomach gushing blood. She wasn’t talented enough to have a clean kill. He doesn’t say anything else, his life extinguishing before your eyes._

_Your hand reached for his light-saber, you grabbed it, turning it on._

_You had never considered yourself particularly vengeful but as you felt its pulsing power, admired the glowing red, you felt the darkness surge in your own veins. This was fated. You didn’t have the luxury of denying what would happen._

_You’d kill her with your bare hands if you had to._

_You snarled, she looked up, the shock melding into determined fury, and she drew her own weapon._

____________________________________________________________________________________

“I can’t keep doing this.” You mumble into your pillow, awake again, the time on your data-pad flashed in the darkness as you turned it on.

It was the middle of the night. You groaned, sitting up.

This wasn’t going to work.

You pulled on a pair of exercise pants and a loose t-shirt, if you couldn’t sleep you could at least train. You headed over to the quiet room that the Commander had motioned you into all those months ago.

You sat, meditating. Trying to open yourself up to the force, trying to banish the nightmares. You pictured your calmest place, an old memory, a beautiful crystal lake, where you could see the bottom, a place you dreamed of returning to today.

A pair of strong arms wrapped around you, you stiffened, until a familiar voice touched your ears.

“You’ve been disturbed.” Ren? You turned to look at him with a frown, drawing away from his grip. He was beautiful in the dim light of the galaxy, staring at you with his chocolate eyes, and so damn alive. But-

“Have you come to torment me in my moment of weakness?” You responded, voice dull. You hadn’t seen him in over a week, and yet he was, coming to swoop in when your guard was down. He seemed taken aback at the accusation.

“I couldn’t sleep, I felt your restless energy, I wanted to see what was going on.” You laughed, a darker sound.

“You can’t just sit in the background, waiting for me to succumb to my own weakness and then just swoop in here like my savior, Ren. Where have you been?”

“I’ve been…busy.” His eyes don’t meet yours. “Fulfilling Supreme Leader’s orders.”

“Which orders? Not the ones to train me obviously.” He pulled you back against his chest, tucking you into him, obviously more than ready to take your verbal beating. You were stiff against him.

“You look exhausted” He commented. “Phasma told me that you haven’t been sleeping well.” You groaned.

“I haven’t but it isn’t a big deal.”

“Why haven’t you been sleeping?” His tone was firm, rather like a teacher scolding a student.

“I just haven’t been.”

“Have you been having nightmares?” His voice was so soft against your ear, you shuddered. How could he read you just like that?

You didn’t like this back and forth. He would make you feel like things between the two of you were good, were improving, and then he would pull back, leaving you confused.

You thought about Ganthel.

You thought about his lifeless body in your nightmare. What was he trying to tell you?

“I can’t keep doing whatever this is, Ren.” You mumble into his chest, avoiding his question. “You pull me in and push me back, what am I to you?” you felt him stiffen, he mumbled your name softly, bringing his hand to your hair, petting it down.

“The Supreme Leader had me go and create your light-saber.” Your face shot up, your eyes meeting his own, your issue momentarily forgotten.

“What?”

“Your light-saber, I have been gone looking for the pieces for it. Acquiring crystals so that you could put the finishing touches.”

“Oh.” You paused, yawning softly. “I thought I had to do that?” He continued to pet your hair, letting you rest in the crook of his neck. Your eyes were heavy. For the first time in weeks you felt like you could get some rest.

He chuckled.

“No, I can do it for you, there is nothing particularly necessary for you to do in construction, although it is important to pick the crystal, so you know its energy matches your own.”

“Didn’t you build yours?” You replied, your voice muffled in his clothes.

“Yes, but that isn’t customary. We will take care of it tomorrow.” You nodded, feeling yourself drifting further and further away.

“Tomorrow.”

____________________________________________________________________________________

You woke up tangled in the arms of the commander, in a bed that was not yours. It wasn’t yours, you were sure, because it was of a much better quality. He was clutching you to him, his clothed body pressed against yours. He was protective, drawing your smaller frame against his large one. You realized that you hadn’t dreamt.

For the first night in days you had made it through the night.

You burrowed further against him. Whatever this was, you realized, you couldn’t stop now, if being away from him was going to bring about nightmares of his death, you’d just as soon marry the man.

You stared into his face, marveling at his features in repose.

So young, each of those freckles making your stomach flutter. Your crush on Kylo Ren had far gotten out of hand.

You considered telling Mitaka.

You brushed his hair out of his face, too unsure to do anything else.

His eyes opened, the dark brown meeting your own. You felt electricity shoot through you.

“M-Morning.” You squeaked, embarrassed at being caught in the act. His own cheeks were dusted pink at your contact.

“Are you ready for your light-saber?” He was abrupt. You grinned.

“Hell yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, quick poll. Do y'all think yes to smut later on in this story? Like actual smut, or would you prefer a tasteful description of a couple coming together? Because I know they will have to get there eventually, I just am not sure what you guys would prefer. So let me know~ 
> 
> Also, I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Hope you like it! <3


	12. In which you get a LIGHT SABER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crystal seemed to tap into your very energy itself.
> 
> Light sabers were amazing

“Oh!” you gasped in delight. The kyber crystals were beautiful. They all glowed with a soft internal light, something you couldn’t explain –well you could of you wanted to, it was connected to the force after all- the glow seemed to pulse and move from within the cores creating a beautiful sort of eeriness that filled the darkened room.

You reached out to touch one, shocked when the glow burned bright at your presence, even more shocked at the gentle hum that emanated from it.

“They sing?” You asked Ren, who was standing just behind you. “Is it normal for them to do that?”

“It is.” He took a step closer to the table, gesturing at the 10 separate crystals of varying shapes and colors. “They are reacting to you because you are force sensitive.” As he approached all of the crystals near him broke out into a loud song, something beautiful but also unsettling.

“They really like you.”

“I have a better grasp on the force than you do, they are responding to it.” He looked amused. “Although, only we can hear them, non-sensitives cannot pick up on their pitch.”

“Oh.” You ran your hand across the table, enjoying the different frequencies and sounds of the stones. “What am I supposed to do, again?” You had a vague understanding of what was supposed to go down. You were supposed to try to find the crystal that jived the best with you. No easy task, especially since you weren’t sure how to single out one on the first place.

The commander stood behind you, grasping both of your hands in his own, extending your arms out over the crystals. “All you have to do is focus your energy, the force, on each crystal and listen for the one that matches best with you.” You were blushing, glad enough that he couldn’t see it in the dim light.

“How will I know it matches best with me?” You felt him shrug, releasing you, your body crying out for him to touch you again. You let out a soft sigh.

“I can’t really explain it, but you’ll know. Just focus your energy and let the force work.” You nodded, closing your eyes, focusing all of your energy on the crystals. As you ran your hands in the air above them you immediately understood what he meant. They sang, each in a slightly different tune. You went down the row, paying careful attention to each one, the fourth down shrieked and you winced.

“Well that one isn’t it.” You commented, noting Ren’s chuckle.

“You went down the entire row, stopping only once more before finishing all ten. You returned to the second to last one. An opalescent stone that glittered and seemed to give off a soothing, lavender glow. When you had hovered over it it seemed to sing in a way that matched your soul’s own song.

“This one.” When you grabbed the crystal from its spot it sent sparks throughout your entire body. You gasped softly, turning to face the Commander with wide eyes. “Definitely this one.” He nodded, taking it from you with expert ease, not at all shocked by its force presence.

“I had a feeling you’d pick this one, the others were mostly just for show.” You looked at him, smirking.

“Uh huh, sure you did, Kylo.” Who did he think he was being such a smooth talker? “You totally knew which one I was going to pick.” You stuck out your tongue reaching for the stone in his hand, Ren only held his hand up in the air, ensuring that you couldn’t reach it. You reached up your arm, standing on your tip toes, still unable to grasp it.

“Come on Commander.” You whined, he placed a hand around your waist, pulling you to him.

“No, you don’t understand, _I knew_.” He was acting strange all the sudden, well not strange, more like himself than he had been in these last few hours, more serious. You realized he had been behaving strangely the whole time. You frowned, allowing him to press your body to his. He set down the crystal.

“What is going on Ren?”

“Can I show you?” He asked, looking down at you with his dark brown eyes. He raised his hands to your temples and you flinched, looking away.

“Show me what?” you demanded gripping his wrists with your hands.

“Just…” He paused, looking uncomfortable. “Let me show you.”

“Okay.” You concede, allowing him to softly press his hands against your temples.

It was like warm water, a soothing sensation at the back of your skull that seemed to fill you to the brim. You leaned in against him, carried off to another place, a memory.

_The Commander was standing in a dark cave, it felt so much like your own nightmares, but this time it was pleasant, a soothing sort of memory._

_A memory he enjoyed, you realized._

_He was walking around a cave, a beautiful place, he had been there before, you knew it._

_Sometime before, another memory you weren’t yet allowed to see, where he had felt powerful, a being of rage and fury._

_When he had made his own light-saber._

_He was searching, searching for something important. The Crystal. The right crystal, he had picked up several, all wrong, he knew._

_The Commander went deeper into the cave, pressing forward for something. Something he had heard before, a force that he knew in his own soul._

_Your energy, you realized, an odd feeling bubbled in your stomach, he was looking for something that matched your energy._

_There it was, singing in the distance, a song that synced so spectacularly with your own. He reached for it, removing the opal crystal with some interest._

_You realized he enjoyed that this would be your match, that it was beautiful…. like you, interesting and calming, like you, but seemed to burn with an inner fire a blaze that matched his own._

_And…_

_And-_

He cut off the memory. Revealing too much, you realized, and hoping to salvage the situation.

He thought you were beautiful, interesting, all these things.

You looked at him, blinking, your mouth open. Yes, he had found it, he had known, but how had he? He was looking at you, his eyes anxious. You realized he had dropped his arms to his sides, no longer holding you.

Yes, he had revealed something he wasn’t supposed to.

You leaned up, pressing your lips against his, he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you tightly against him. This time, unlike on the ship, he responded, shoving his lips against your own with a measured awkwardness.

You realized that in the great expanse of time and the universe, Commander Ren was probably less experienced than you. A Jedi by training.

The Jedi had vows of chastity.

Ren had grown up devoid of both the warm of parental affection and the promise of physical intimacy. The Jedi order were a cold bunch.

That explained it. The way he had reacted to the kiss that first time. You pushed yourself further against him, wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you. You bit at his lower lip, enjoying his shudder, he clutched your body to him, you weren’t even sure if it was possible to get any closer to one another under the situation.

You broke the kiss, allowing him to hold you.

“Commander?” You question, looking up at his face.

His eyes were so dark, they almost seemed black, black like the galaxy. His lips were red and his face was flushed.

_Oh no_

This was bad, this was so good.

Your mind was moving a mild a minute.

“Do you really think all of those things about me?” You asked, pulling back away from him. He looked away from you for a moment, as though he was gathering his thoughts.

“Of course.” He grabbed your hand. “Of…of course I do.”

“Kylo…” Your voice was soft. “I…you already know how I feel.” You had made it clear, of course. “Commander. I…what is this?”

“I don’t know…I already told you, I don’t know.” His voice was strained, but he kept a grip on your hand. “But I want to know.” Your heart was beating miles at a time.

“I want to know too.” You answered squeezing his hand. “I want to know too, Ren.”

“This light-saber.” He stated, “We should…You should finish it.” He moved away from you, his voice flustered. You grabbed the crystal, once again enjoying its pulsing glow.

He led you over to another table, producing a slender handle from his cloak.

“This.” He handed it to you. You had to admire it for its artwork. A slender metal handle, not so rough and large as his own light-saber, it was small enough for your hand to grasp easily, and its grip was comfortable. Not to mention it was aesthetically pleasing.

“Oh. This is impressive.” Your voice was barely above a whisper.

“Now take the crystal.” You obliged, holding it up in your other hand.

“Now what, Mr. Commander, sir?” You asked, the amusement clear in your voice.

“Focus your force power. Get the saber to open.” You clutched the saber tightly, picturing the side sliding open, hoping that it would.

It did, luckily.

“Now place the crystal into it, and make it close.” You followed those steps as well, enjoying how easily it worked for you. The saber whirred with energy from the crystal.

“How do I turn it on?”  


“it’s force activated.”

As though it responded to his words it shot on, a purple light protruding from the device.

“Oh” You gasped. “Mine is purple.”

Just like that you had your own light saber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THIS BEING POSTED LATE AND FOR IT BEING SHORTER THAN NORMAL
> 
> I've been out of town (still am out of town) for a wedding/wedding stuff.
> 
> I hope you like whatever this is.
> 
> Much love <3


	13. In which you see your future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing your own death was really something, wasn't it?

The purple light-saber, you learned, was due to the stone itself. Somewhere along the way, having read more than your fair share of books about the Jedi, you had gotten it in your head that the colors meant…something. This was enough for you to pepper Kylo with a variety of questions concerning your new murder toy.

Questions that he actually gave you answers to, luckily.

No. Your light-saber was just that way because of the stone. You weren’t special. However, you hadn’t been wrong. Years ago, many many years, when the Jedi had been powerful and plentiful. Kylo had told you that part of the story with a sneer, still obviously bitter. The colors had meant something. Depending on someone’s position in the Jedi order, whether they were a guard or so on, there would be different colors.

Now since the order was virtually nonexistent – something the Commander was VERY proud of- the colors didn’t mean a thing. Which meant at the end of the day you were just a normal girl with normal space powers and a normal purple glowing stick of death.

Still, you couldn’t help but want to preen over your purple light-saber, glad enough it wasn’t a bloody red like Ren’s. Not that you had much of an opportunity to use it, the man had barred you from playing with it outside of training.

Whatever.

He at least had upped the amount of time you had been training, since you had to learn how to use your new weapon.

However, there were some…problems.

Namely the fact that he was a showy bastard with a completely uncopiable fighting style.

Kylo twirled his saber. He twirled it a lot.

Which theoretically shouldn’t have been a problem, but you hadn’t been trained since childhood to fight like that and his scolding was beginning to frustrate you.

No, you didn’t need to twirl, you needed to be able to fight and to kill and you needed to be able to do it fast.

The nightmares had stopped since the Commander had returned, his presence at night calming your anxious conscience. However, you weren’t a fool. That battle would come and it would come soon.

You’d have to be ready.

You were gently twirling the unlit saber, enjoying the smooth metal under your hands. Boy, it was minimalist. Ren had obviously taken into account your distaste for the showy sabers you had seen, his included. You had no desire to have some clunky ridiculous murder weapon. You had no desire for any of this at all.

You dropped it to the ground with a thud.

You groaned following it to the ground, curling up and pulling it to you, cradling it in your arms as though it was a stuffed toy.

You were literally laying on the floor of the training room, like some half-mad storm trooper on the battlefield and you were _sore_ any bloodlust or desire to kill had been firmly squashed by the last two weeks of intensive training. You honestly felt like your body was going to give out on you, not to mention the fact that Ren was not going easy on you, and you had your fair share of bruises to show for it.

No amount of soft kisses and night time cuddling could fix those, even if he was getting better and better at those two things.

You had started separating him. There was Ren, the stern trainer, your teacher. The Commander, that scary man in the mask that destroyed your ship and yelled at troopers. Then there was Kylo, the scarred man that held you to his chest every night, never touching you more than just to pull you closer. The man who kissed you in the privacy of your room. Not very frequently, but enough to lessen the blows of your day to day life.

He was a trinity of confusion and you were always hoping to get the part of him who kissed you and always terrified to get the man in the mask.

Not that you got him very often at all.

You felt him before you heard him, almost shocked at your growth in the force over the last few months, happy enough in your progress to feel no desire to get up off of the ground. If he found you like that, so be it, he had earned it by working you to the bone.

You heard him call your name from the door, and saw his boots in your periphery.

“Commander Ren.” You respond, allowing him to shove you onto your back with his shoe. You could see him looking at you with a raised eyebrow, leaning over to examine you.

“Are you wounded?” He began, kneeling on the ground, pressing his large hands into your ribcage and stomach. “Have you not gone to the medic this month?” Your mouth fell open.

“Yes! I have most certainly seen the medic this month.” Your cheeks were red. Like every woman on the ship you were required to get a birth control shot once a month to prevent menstrual cycles and unwanted pregnancy.

“You don’t sound like it.” You reached up and punched him softly in the shoulder.

“That is rude, Ren. You don’t talk that way to women.” You tried to keep your voice stern. You hated that talk more than most things. Casual sexism wasn’t your ‘thing’. “I’m in pain.” You lifted up your shirt, revealing a myriad of bruises of different sizes and degrees of color. “You haven’t exactly been going easy on me _Commander_.” Ren frowns, running his hand against the bare flesh of your stomach. You shudder at the touch of his cold leather glove, goosebumps breaking out over your skin.

“I hadn’t realized.” His voice was soft, apologetic.

“I’m fine, Kylo. “You grab his hand, pulling it away from your stomach. “I’m just a little beat up.”

He nodded as though that gave him the answer he needed, “You should take a break.” You want to laugh.

“I should?”

“Yes, I was debating on whether or not I would have you take a break, while I was gone.” The smile on your face faded immediately. “Obviously your body needs time to heal, although time is of the essence, and it is not what the Supreme Leader would want.”

“While you are gone?” Your response was less of a question than a demand, and showed how disconnected you were from the conversation.

“I am leaving later today for a mission.” Ren was looking away from you, his dark hair concealing most of his profile. “It will only be a short time, five days.” He tacked that last part at the end with a soft brush of the back of his palm against your cheek. You couldn’t respond. You were afraid, you realized, because things had been so…so…domestic these last two weeks, so normal. You and him, the training, your work, whatever he did, and every night knowing he’d be there to keep your nightmares away.

The _nightmares_.

“Oh. “was all you managed in lieu of an actual response, you pushed yourself up onto your elbows, looking at him expectantly. “When do you leave, Commander?”

“Two hours.” His response is clipped. He looks withdrawn, his face not as open as normal, you could his hands clenching and unclenching.

“Is something wrong Kylo?” You ask, crawling over to him and positioning your body in front of his. “Are you alright?”

“I am fine.” His tone is firm but his eyes evade your own.

“Is it the mission? What exactly are you doing?” You try to keep your voice as calm as possible, not wanting to set off an argument.

“It isn’t for you to know.” He snaps, pulling himself away from you. “The Supreme Leader needs me to accomplish a goal, and so I will.”

You try to think about what could set him off, what could bring him such discomfort.

“Kylo who is he having you kill?” You weren’t an idiot, you watched his eyes widen and seem to grow lighter, shining in the overhead lights.

“An old colleague.” He stands, walking to the door. “We will talk about it when it is done.” A promise. You nod.

“Be careful, Commander Ren, the base needs you to stay alive.” _I need you to stay alive_. He sighs, pulling his helmet back onto his head.

“Get some rest, and go see the medic for those bruises.” And he is gone, a soft breeze from his cape acting as the only reminder that he had been there in the first place.

________

_The battle field was different this time. There was no confusion. You were familiar with here you were and you moved with purpose._

_No longer burdened like before you drew your light-saber, feeling comforted by its glow._

_You had a job to accomplish._

_You hurried this time, slicing a path to the field that had haunted your nightmares. When you got there, you were alone._

_Completely alone. The grass was so green the verdant glow hurt your eyes, and the sky so blue you wondered how this paradise was going to become a battlefield in only moments._

_It was so clean._

_No bodies littering the ground._

_No Jakku girl, no Luke Skywalker._

_No Kylo Ren._

_You twirled your light-saber with a dancer’s grace, closing your eyes and opening yourself to the force._

_Where were they?_

_You knew you didn’t have much time._

_You could feel the energy. The dark red, the Commander, from behind, and the blinding pale blue, Skywalker, in the front._

_Somewhere, closest to you and coming closer, the green blue of the girl._

_You shut off your saber, tucking it into your weapons belt._

_Might as well take her by surprise._

_When she emerges into the field you can see her confusion. You knew she was expecting Ren, told to expect him, ready for him. You were not him at all. You smile softly._

_She is yelling at you, something nonsensical about the light and darkness. You take a few steps in her direction, she points her saber at you._

_A challenge._

_You draw your weapon, igniting it, relishing her shock, your blood howling for hers. You take no breath, launching yourself at her and swiping her side._

_Surprise always gives the upper hand._

_She curses and falls back._

_You know she is better than you, stronger than you._

_But you also know that you can kill her._

_Even if it kills you._

_She turns on her heel, slicing the air right above your head, you duck, throwing your entire body at her legs and-_

______________

You gasp, sitting up, panting. The nightmare again. The dream.

This time you aren’t scared. Kylo would be safe.

Something had shifted since you had gotten the saber. You knew that he would live. Somehow that made everything okay again. Even if you died, he’d be fine.

And who said you’d die anyway?

There was a perfectly good chance you’d make it out alive, right?

_______________

Mitaka was sitting on your bed, kind enough to be rubbing ointment on your many bruises, his soft touch enough to relax you completely.

“So you and the Commander…” He trails off. You had finally done the him the honor of filling in the last few weeks, your many absences, your closeness to Ren, the…bed time arrangements.

The only things you didn’t disclose were the dreams, not even brave enough to share them with Kylo, let alone poor Mitaka.

“Yeah me and the Commander.” You sigh, as Mitaka ran a hand through your hair. You and Mitaka were a platonic love story if there ever was one. Also, it felt nice to be touched intimately.

Ren had yet to even pretend to want to take a step beyond casual make out, keep your clothes on, intimate contact of any kind.

“And you haven’t…?”

“No we haven’t. “

“Are you planning on it?”

“I…I don’t know. I would…like to, he doesn’t seem interested.”

“Bullshit.” Mitaka responded.

You could only nod.

It was complete and utter bullshit.

“You are a catch.” He winks, and you laugh.

“You flatter me, Dophled.”

“But seriously, it has been so much better.” Mitaka looks at you. “He has been much less of a terror since you stepped into his picture, you’re a miracle worker.” You snort.

“I don’t think so.” You quiet down. “I think he’s just been lonely.”

_____________

You were lying in bed, eyes wide open. The insomnia gripping you into a constant state of alertness. Kylo was supposed to come back today.

You had only briefly entertained the notion that he would come back and not come to your rooms, that he would rather be alone.

Certainly not.

But it was late and you were growing increasingly less hopeful.

You yawned, rolling onto your side, clutching your pillow to your chest.

Maybe you were tired?

If only you could just drift off…

The pounding at the door is enough to send you into a frenzy, gasping and nearly catapulting out of bed.

Maybe only 10 or 15 minutes had past, you thought, rushing to the door, opening it as fast as you could. Whoever was knocking would not stop-

Ren.

His eyes are red and his pupils seem unnaturally wide, when he sees you he chokes out your name and pulls you into an embrace, pressing you against his chest like he is afraid that you will disappear. You stutter his name in reply, wrapping your arms around his waist and letting him hold you for a moment.

“Kylo?” You question tugging yourself out of his embrace, pulling him over to your bed. “What happened?” You sit, making him follow you. He is clutching your hand with his own, and he looks so _breakable_. You can feel your heart tighten with pain. “Are you alright?” You pull him against you, allowing him to bury his face into your shoulder while you played with his hair trying to get him to calm down.

“Did something happen? The…the mission?” he clutches himself against you tighter, his large frame awkwardly pressed against yours, his fingers digging painfully into the skin of your sides.

“Tell me what has happened?”

He pulls his head back, you can see that there were no tears, just pain on his face, he looked like a wild animal cornered by a hunter.

“K-Kylo?” He presses his lips against yours, silencing you. You suddenly see it. What has caused this pain.

________

_Blood, everywhere. It had taken him a moment, he had no choice but to cut his way through the bush following the force signature of his enemies._

_You were close, he knew, he had felt it._

_Felt it all the way until he reached the field._

_The blood red sky matched the puddles on the ground. He could hear a storm trooper retching behind him, but then, up ahead._

_Two people, each woman, one with a blue saber, her legacy, and the other._

_His breath caught as he saw you end it; saw you plunge that saber deep into the chest of the Jakku girl._

_It stayed silent as he watched you follow her to the ground, clutching at your stomach._

_Time slowed down as he stepped past the bodies, never running, never revealing his emotions. Not until he was standing over you, look at you panting the life quickly draining from your eyes. Yet when you see him, you smile, that same smile he has seen hundreds of times, the one that catches him off guard each of those times because of its sweetness._

_“Hey Ren.” You call to him, reaching up your hand. He is on his knees now, by your side. He knows he should check you, he should look at the wound on your stomach, but he can’t. He feels sick.” Could you…” You pause to cough “Could you take off that mask?”_

_He does it and your smile only grows. You push yourself up onto your elbows, using a hand to brush the hair out of his face._

_“I love you, Ren.” And you kiss him, and he pulls you into his chest and he holds you, even as you grow weaker, and your breathing gets more and more shallow, and you die._

_The rage gets so strong, and…and-_

______________

He broke the kiss and you could feel everything teetering in your vision.

 

You had switched places.

This was now his story,

And it looked like you died at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh boy.  
> Here you go darlings.  
> As it turns out you can change the future, but for the better?  
> Eh, who can say?
> 
> Good news for everyone is that next chapter will almost (with 98% accuracy) have smut. So buckle up your seatbelts. 
> 
> I still love you all <3


	14. In which...you know.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *this chapter is to the tune of Marvin Gaye's famous "Lets get it on" *

Ch 14

“Oh Kylo…” You breathed out, leaning your face against his chest, your mind swirling with visions of your own impending death. Yet you were calm, eerily so. As though all the stars in the universe had aligned to ensure this moment took place and you were just fulfilling your assigned role. He was clutching you to him with a fervor, pulling you tighter into his embrace, your body pressed flush against him.

You allowed yourself a moment to just be held by him, to enjoy the warmth of his embrace. A moment to reflect on your own life. Where had your fury gone? Your fear? You honestly didn’t even feel like a person anymore. Like you had left your body and were watching this scene play out on a holo-vid.

A sudden thought hit you.

You weren’t going to die feeling empty and void like you did right now.

You pulled away from him, scanning his face for something, for some indication of his emotions.

“I won’t let it happen.” His voice was raspy, pained. “I won’t let you die. I-“

“It’s alright Ren.” Your voice was soft as you cut him off, a clear disconnect in your tone from his. “It was just a nightmare.” You pushed the hair out of his face, brushing your hand against his cheek.

“It wasn’t a nightmare; it was the force.” He begins again, not taking your hint. “It’s the same as my dreams when I was at the Jedi academy.” He was rambling now, his gaze far off, you could feel the hair on the back of your neck stand up. You knew about the academy; you knew what Ren had done. Those types of secrets weren’t ones that could be kept forever.

“You dreamt about what you did to the Jedi?” your voice was a whisper, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Every night. Every night for two years.” He began his hands digging into the flesh of your sides. You winced.

“Ren…I-“

“No. I won’t see this one fulfilled.” He snapped, pulling you closer to his body. “I’ll kill them all with my bare hands before I see that happen.” You could feel his emotions, rolling over him in waves of red. Shades all over the spectrum of that bloodied color. The fury, the fear, the…the.

You silenced him with a kiss, a soft thing, easy and loving. You wanted him to know, you needed him to know how you felt. Yet the words refused to come to your tongue.

Vaguely you thought of the possibility that you wouldn’t tell him until it was too late, if you would live out his version of the events to the end, not telling him you loved him until you were dying in his arms.

You moved your arms so they were around his neck rocking your body against him in a soft motion.

You felt something new, something on top of all the anxiety and pain of the moment. That heated needy feeling rising in your stomach, coiling just below the surface. You nipped his bottom lip, surprised and pleased with yourself to hear him moan softly, allowing you to slide your tongue into his mouth. It felt strange, to be in this position, to have the man who literally dominated almost every aspect of your life allow you to control him. His hands found your hips as you straddled his waist, his touch soft.

Your kisses became more and more bruising. You pulled yourself away from his mouth, kissing one of the freckles on his face, continuing to trail down until your face rested in the crook of his neck. You ghosted your lips over his skin, relishing the shiver that went down his spine. You kissed his neck, grazing it with your teeth _just so_ he hissed his head falling to the side to allow for better access.

Yes. Yes you did enjoy this sudden change, regardless of why. Your hands slid down his body, coming to rest at the bottom of his shirt, you leaned back, pulling the fabric while making eye contact with him, the silent question obvious on your face. His pupils were wide, and his face flushed, he seemed a man in a trance. He allowed you to tug the clothing off, tossing the shirt onto the floor, as you returned to what you were doing. Your continued to kiss him, down his neck and across his broad chest, trying to communicate what you couldn’t bring yourself to say.

You sunk your teeth into the area just above his collar bone, he moaned loudly as the taste of crimson flowed into your mouth. It reminded you so much of his aura that you couldn’t stifle the sound that left your throat. Suddenly you found yourself lying flat on your bed, the wind knocked out of your lungs. Kylo was sitting up in the space between your thighs, looking down at you with dark eyes that made your insides clench. You tugged off your own shirt quickly, less embarrassed than you thought you would be at being completely bared to the commander.

His lips met your own with a violent push as his hands roamed your bare flesh. You sighed into his mouth, a faint whimper leaving your lips as he cupped your breasts with his hands, kneading the sensitive skin softly. You wondered how it was possible for someone to kiss you so roughly and yet touch you like you were a piece of glass. He was pressed flush against you, and even as his lips held yours you couldn’t resist the thought that possessed you. Slowly, you rolled your hips against his, relishing the way he froze, how he broke the kiss, his body tense. You did it again, listening to him moan softly, as your hips brushed against the sign of his arousal.

Once more, for affect, you rolled your hips, harder this time, hoping to bring a rise out of him, hoping to quench this burning ache in your stomach that was getting hotter and hotter with every second.

He growled, moving his hands to your hips and pulling you closer to his own. You gasped at the feeling of his hardness through his pants, a soft moan leaving your lips at the pleasurable sensation of friction.

“What do you think you are doing, _girl_?” He demands. You lick your lips, a shiver passing through you at his words. You watch him through heavy lidded eyes.

He knew exactly what you are doing.

“You tell me, _Commander_ ” You roll your hips again, boldly pushing yourself against him. Unashamed of the wanton noise that left your throat.

You weren’t some ignorant jedi girl, raised on stories and space magic. If he thought, you’d be a shrinking violet in the bedroom because of your lack of experience he was about to be shocked.

He groaned, grinding against you, the sensation making you whimper.

“A-Ah Kylo.” Your breath hitched as that beautiful friction continued to heat you up. You leaned up wrapping one of your arms around the Commander’s neck and sliding the other one down his stomach. When you reached his pants, you smirked, very casually trailing your hand into his pants, brushing your fingers against his quickly hardening member. Ren made a noise at the contact, his body frozen with desire. You smirked, your hand pumping him softly. He groaned, pushing you back onto the bed, hooking his hands onto your pajama bottoms. You raise your backside enough so he can slide them and your underwear off in one swift motion, leaving you completely naked. You blushed softly, trying to reach for him. You couldn’t. You couldn’t move your body at all. You eyed Ren with suspicious.

“Kylo” You began, a warning in your tone. He planted his arms on either side of your head, giving you a look so dark you could feel yourself grow damp. He leaned in, his face so close to yours your noses almost touched. He growled your name, sending another shiver down your spine. You looked at him with wide, lust-laden eyes.

“You’re fucking beautiful.” The words tumbled out of his mouth unexpectedly. You stared at him, a blush rising to your face. He is kissing you now, your face, your neck, down your stomach, coming dangerously close to your core.

Your breath hitches when you feel him run his fingers down your thighs, feeling his fingers ghost over you.

“K-Kylo” You say again, your voice breathy this time. You’d give anything for him just to _touch you_ there. He knows it, you know he does. You sigh when you feel his hand brush you again, a little firmer this time. You can feel the mild stress. He isn’t sure about what he should do.

Oh. The Jedi thing.

“T-Touch me.” You gasp, wriggling your hips. “There, again.” He complies, and you are all at once pleased and shocked at what was going to happen.

“Y-Yeah, just like that. You’re d-doing perfect.” You gasp, tilting your head back and moaning softly as he inserts a finger into you. A fast learner, that Ren. He pumped in and out of you, adding another finger, you writhed on your bed. He had you wound up, but it wasn’t enough. You trailed your own fingers down to your nub, rubbing it softly, groaning in pleasure. He watched you for a moment, before making a noise and pulling both his own hand and yours away.

You look up, realizing he has taken the time to get rid of his own clothes, you flush.

“Are you ready?” He asked, glancing at you, the nervousness obvious on his face. You leaned up, kissing him.

“Please” You paused. “I…uh…do…do you know what to-“

“Yes.” He frowned, his voice dark. “I do.” You giggled, covering your mouth with your hand.

He aligns himself with your already stimulated body, before slowly sliding in. You gasp, arching your back. He was so _big_. You winced softly, letting out a whimper as he groaned, finally pushing himself in to the hilt.

“So…tight” You blushed at his words, looking away from him.

He moves against you slowly, trying to find a rhythm, you couldn’t help the soft noises leaving your mouth, it was like an electric charge building up in your body.

“Faster.” You moan, hooking your legs around his waist, rewarded when he sped up, he let out a soft groan as you raked your nails down the flesh of his back.

His fingers found your clit and began to circle it, rubbing it with increasing speed.

You cried out, the feeling of him inside of you and playing with your clit almost overwhelming.

The charge was increasing with every push he made into your body, and you were getting close, so close.

You could feel his muscles spasm, knowing he was close too.

You shoved your hips against his, meeting his rut and gasp as he hit a spot inside of you. You saw stars as he pushed you over the edge, a strangled noise coming through your throat as you came. Your body’s response dragged him into his release as well, and it was like your entire world had been lit up bright new color.

You could see him, every part, you could feel him in your DNA.

It felt so right, so good.

It made you feel _light._

_Suddenly you could understand the light, understand Ren’s conflict. How could you ever want to leave this beautiful feeling?_

_How could you ever want to leave him?_

You were panting as you made it down from your high. Somehow aware that everything had changed for the two of you in that moment.

He laid down, pulling your body against his, pressing his face into your neck, looking at you with big eyes.

“W-Wow.” You mumbled. “What was that?” A thought echoed in your head, a thought that wasn’t yours. _Force bond._

“Force bond?” You question, his eyes widening and narrowing. He kisses your neck softly, pleased it seemed when you yawned.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, along with work I have three weeks of working a summer camp that I am in the midst of. So I'm sorry for the delay!
> 
> I still love you all, and I promise to post an update at least once a week! <3 
> 
> Things in the next chapter get tense. Hope you are all ready!


	15. In which you have a break down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the going gets tough, the tough get in a fight.

When you awoke the next day you were snuggled tightly against your favorite scary knight. His arms were securely around your waist and your face was buried into his chest. It was something you would have called perfection. You tried to stay still for a moment, processing the information from the night before.

Kylo coming into your room, distraught.

The dream.

Your death.

The uh…the sex.

The force bond.

What was the force bond? You wracked your brain, trying to remember what you had read about the Jedi at the academy. Before, before the order, and the band on intimacy. What was a force bond?

Ren made a noise, pulling you tighter against him.

Oh wait.

You were also both still incredibly naked.

Your face heated up at the thought. Kylo had been pretty damn perfect in bed. You could get used to Commander Cuddles doing…that…more frequently. A small sigh left your mouth, as something began to stir inside of you. Feelings; contentedness, a tinge of sleepiness, and love? Was that the odd feeling that seemed to match your own, curling inside of you like a flickering flame. Where was it coming from?

“Are you awake?” you whispered softly to the man next to you.

“Yes” His sleep slurred response drawing a smile from your mouth. You quickly wiggled your way out of his grasp, meeting his dark eyes with your own.

“Morning, dear.” You cooed in artificial sweetness. He groaned, shutting his eyes in annoyance. Unfortunately for him you could see the smile tugging at his lips, which you promptly kissed, drawing yourself closer to him, relishing the feeling of his body and the pleased emotions swirling in your body.

_“You’re so beautiful.”_

A thought that wasn’t your own trickled into your head.

You pulled away, looking at him. That thought had sounded suspiciously like Kylo, and while you didn’t mind being complimented, what exactly was going on?

“I can hear you.” You state, straightforwardly. “I can hear you, and I am confused because I spent a long time building up a mental wall so I could keep myself in and you out.” You poked a finger into his chest. “So what is going on, mister.”

He looks at you for a moment, as though he is weighing his options.

“It’s called a…force bond.” He looks uncomfortable, and you can feel the flair of anxiety. You try to return an emotion, pushing a calming sensation through what you assumed was the bond. When you saw his shoulders relax instinctively, you let out a soft sigh.

“Wow…” you trailed off, biting your lip. “What does it mean? How does it happen?” You pressed your palms against his bare chest, relishing his strength. “I can’t remember ever reading about it in school.”

“Normally it is between a Jedi and a padawan.” Kylo sighed, tangling his fingers in your hair. “There aren’t enough Jedi anymore to warrant that being taught at the academy.”

“So what is it exactly.” You interrupt, nuzzling your face into his neck, nipping at his skin softly. A low noise leaves his throat.

“It is a connection brought about by a strong relationship bond, whether that be a student and their teacher, or…us. It creates a channel between the two people. A channel that allows thoughts and emotions to pass through.” You had gotten quiet. You couldn’t wrap your mind around it just yet. Your…relations…had triggered such a strong emotional connection it had literally created a force channel between you and Kylo.

“So…what does that mean? Is it always on broadcast? Can it be broken?” The words tumbled from your lips as he flipped you over, settling himself between your legs. A blush blossomed on your cheeks as he leaned over you, his nose barely brushing against your own.

“Emotions tend to slip across the bond, they are hard to hold back.” He kisses your cheek, then down your neck. “But thoughts are more controlled, you usually can choose what you want slide through.” He punctuated each word with another kiss, your skin felt like it was on fire. “The force bond is intended to last forever, he looked back at you, his eyes almost black. You could feel the desire rolling over him, and also…a measured guilt, sadness. Why? “The only ways it can be broken are through death or trauma. For a force user to terminate a bond…it is life threatening to both parties.” You nodded, ghosting your lips against his. A smile widened on your face.

“I didn’t realize Jedi mated for life.” Ren snorted as you dissolved into a pile of giggles, knowing your joy was pouring into the bond. Joy and love, you thought.

_I love you Ren_

You let it slip into the bond too, conscious of his eyes widening, and his lips crashing against your own. He needed you, Ren did. You needed him, too.

That was just how it was, and you didn’t mind.

You let his hands roam your body, conscious of the soreness in your joints from sleep and the night before.

It felt natural this time, the skin sliding against skin, the soft noises coming from the both of you. Even more than that everything seemed to meld together with the bond, a sort of intimacy like you had never experienced.

It was all encompassing. It was beautiful, delectable, and suddenly you wished it was possible to leave, to whisk him away to Naboo, to show him where his grandmother had ruled and to have him safe by your side always.

But you couldn’t.

He kissed the side of your cheek, and you could feel his understanding, his deep yearning for that life too. Something neither of you could have now that you were together. He whispered his apologies into your ears and you kissed them away when your lips met his. You didn’t care about not getting that dream life.

When you joined the order you knew you would be giving up the opportunity to live a normal and domestic life. You had done it in part because you didn’t want to live your entire life in the safety and comfort of a homemaker’s lifestyle.

You wanted adventure.

And as your lover pulled away from you, you couldn’t help think that there was no greater adventure –or danger- than wherever your life was headed.

__________

Of course it could never just be easy like that. You groaned quietly, glaring at both Ren and the General, hoping to the stars that the Commander could feel the anger rolling off of you.

After a few days you had coined your ‘honeymoon phase’ Hux and Kylo had called you into a surprise meeting, and informed you that you were being moved permanently back to Hux’s division. No more training. No more Jedi.

You could see from Hux’s expression that he was none too pleased with this turn of events and you doubted, also based on his expression, that Snoke was too happy either.

Kylo was a _n idiot trying to get himself killed._

You send that last part through the bond, glaring at that masked face. At this rate he wasn’t going to have to worry about ever finding Luke Skywalker, you’d kill him first, with your bare hands.

You didn’t want to go back to that type of work full time. Sure you loved your job, but you also enjoyed the fighting, the saber, the force. It gave you a purpose you hadn’t had before.

Why should you have to drop it because your space boyfriend was worried about you.

You could be a martyr for him if you wanted to be. He didn’t get to make that decision for you!

“You will be returning to work in the Diplomatic division effective immediately, is that clear Lieutenant?” Your eyes shot to Hux, marveling in his coldness. Maybe you should have fallen in love with him. You doubted feelings would have ever gotten in the way of him and duty.

“Understood, General.” You clicked your shoes together, saluting the man. You were immaculate, you knew. No one could find fault in your manners, at least.

“Dismissed, Lieutenant. Return to your post.”

“Yes sir.” You turned on your heels, not giving Ren a chance to speak, and quickly exited Hux’s office.

_____________

“So what happened exactly?” Mitaka was sitting next to you at the work station, trying to keep up with the sound of your furious typing. “because you are about to break that keyboard.”

“Nothing happened.”

“Something happened.”

“No.”

“Just tell me, you know you will eventually.”

“Ren and I had sex, and now he is reassigning me to desk work indefinitely.” Your voice had dropped to a whisper, more than aware that people were listening in, always.

“Wait, wait, you two what-?”

“We…you know…we had sex.” You all but whispered it into his ear, your cheeks on fire.

“How was it?”

“Mitaka” You gasped. “That is not appropriate information to divulge.” You swatted him on the arm. “I’m sure that breaks protocol somewhere in the manual.”

“Yeah you are having sex with the commander, I don’t think that talking about it is the protocol you are breaking.” You signed.

“Mitaka, I get it, he is worried about my safety. But after all this, I don’t want to return to just diplomatic work. I liked being able to fight and it is my destiny. My duty.”

“He cares about you.” Mitaka snorted. “You are probably the only person on this ship he cares about and you would be the one to have such a strong sense of duty you ruin it.” You stuck your tongue out at him.

“It’s not like that. I’m not ruining anything; it is just my job.”

“It isn’t your job anymore, lieutenant.” Mitaka raised an eyebrow at you. “I don’t know why you’d want to keep it anyway. You get to come back to not having your butt kicked every day and you get to live…plus you get to keep smashing the commander.”

“Ewww. Mitaka!” Your face feels like it is on fire. “That is not polite.”

“I’m sorry, making ‘love’””

“Speaking of love, what about you and Sarai? Hmm? What about that?” you were eager to get the heat off of you for a moment. Mitaka sighed, a soft smile on his face.

“See, unlike you. She and I are open about our relationship and the fun stuff.”

“Please don’t go into it, Mitaka.” You cut him off before he can start. “Although I am glad you guys are doing well; I haven’t seen her in a while.”

“She’s been working nonstop; we’ve have a lot of injuries coming in. You know, with the resistance and its two jedi.” You freeze in your seat.

“They’ve been actively attacking our troopers?”

“Yeah you didn’t know?” He looks concerned. “I mean I know you haven’t been here but I thought it was pretty common knowledge.”

“No…No I didn’t.” Your hands curl into fists. “Mitaka, tell the General I’m not feeling well.” You stand abruptly. “I’ve got to go.”

“Whoa, whoa, wait, what is wrong? “

“It isn’t important Mitaka, I just, I have to go.” You stalk out of the room. The Commander had been keeping things from you and now was trying to relegate you to the sidelines. No. Not today.

Not after all that bullshit it took for you to get where you were.

You stomped into your room, locking the door behind you. You could feel your anger, and you wouldn’t be surprised if Ren felt it either.

 _When were you going to tell me that Skywalker and his apprentice were ACTIVELY attacking our troops_. The tone of your thought was venomous.

You didn’t have time for secret keeping.

Kylo knew you better than that.

__________

When you threw the door open to look at Ren you couldn’t help but marvel at how different this was from just a few days before. Why couldn’t he just not do this to you?

“Why did you keep that from me, Kylo?” You demanded as he walked into your room, taking off his mask. His face was set in a stern look, like he was ready for a fight. Fine. So were you.

“It wasn’t your business.”

“Not my business?” Your voice is shrill and you can hear it. “Everyone on base knew but me, Ren! Of course it was my business.”

“It doesn’t matter, you know now. In a diplomatic capacity.” You could have slapped him across the face.

“What are you doing Kylo?” You throw your arms up in the air, searching the heavens for answers. “You pull me in and then push me right out again. We are literally bonded through the force. I’m not some porcelain doll that you can hide on a shelf, and pull out when you want to play with it!” You aren’t looking at him, but you can feel his anger like a dark storm rolling in.

“It isn’t for you to worry about _lieutenant_ , and it never should have been.” He spits out your rank like an accusation, like he is highlighting the fact you are somehow unprepared to handle what will happen next. “If not for Supreme Leader-“

“Exactly.” You cut him off. “But Snoke did intervene, and Snoke knows that I have to be the one to beat the Jakku girl. He’s seen it, you’ve seen it, I’ve seen it.” You know you are being callous. His arm shoots out, grabbing your wrist painfully.

“So what am I supposed to do?” His voice is harsh. “Do you think I wanted these feelings? Do you think I planned to kiss you? To bed you? To _force bond_ with you? To fall in love with you?” He yanks you to his body, knocking the breath out of you. “How can you expect me to walk into this knowing…knowing you will die. I can’t have you die.”

“If I don’t die then you die Kylo.” Your voice has dropped and you feel drained. It’s like all the anger in the room as seeped out, leaving a hollow sadness, a resignation. “I saw it, I dreamt it, before you were dreaming of me.” You clutched at his shirt feeling the tears well in your eyes. “I can’t live like that, Ren. Knowing I could stop it but didn’t” The tears are falling now, and his grip tightens on you in response.

“Shh.” He was rocking you softly as you break down into sobs.

“W-What am I-I supposed to do, K-Kylo?” you hiccup. “What a-are w-we supposed t-to do?”

He stays silent for a long time.

“I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you are my precious babies that I love and adore.
> 
> Camp is good, I think taking a few days to focus on it really cleared my head and allowed me to write a chapter I really really like! Hope you guys like it too!
> 
> Comments are appreciated and welcome.


	16. In which the end begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were strong in some ways, but still pretty weak in others.

Blood covered your face as the sliced remains of a rebel soldier fell to the ground beside you. Your purple saber hissed and sparked at the tension flowing through your veins.

Your orders were clear: Kill everyone.

No witnesses.

The order couldn’t risk the rebellion discovering that their new secret weapon wasn’t another star ruining planet destroyer, but rather a young woman with a light-saber.

No they had to think it was Kylo. Think Kylo was reckless, think he’d be the type of person to come out into the open.

You growled, a low sound as you plunged your saber deep into the chest of another rebel soldier. The smell of iron, which had made your stomach turn at first, now fueled your darkness as you finished off the last of their “surprise” attack.

Your intel had increased exponentially after you managed to get a loyalist in the resistance camp. How simple it was to fake dissent, to stage a defection into enemy camp! When Hux had told you how they had started smuggling troopers into the resistance camp, you had been shocked, the risk/reward seemed skewed. But as Hux had explained the way the troopers went through training and as the shudder of realization went down your back, you realized it really didn’t matter.

It had been easy to discover their small group of elite soldiers, prepping on taking on the smaller towns on this agrarian planet. It was even easier to ambush them, making quick work of their surprise. They were never in groups more than 20, and you had begun to wonder if perhaps this was a sign of weakness.

No money, no troops, the resistance was in trouble, it seemed.

Weakened but not dead.

Still a threat so long as the Jedi and his apprentice walked the galaxy.

You had come alone to the ambush, as always, the troopers that accompanied you only there to act as backup in the event of an unfortunate turn of events.

In the seven times you had obliterated resistance troops since you and the Commander had your heart to heart that night you had never needed them. Your skill was increasing rapidly, almost unnaturally so. You could kill a person without thinking now, without determining the consequences, without accepting the blame. You were killing for the duty; you could not bear the realization of what you were doing. Could not let it seep into your veins. You were not guilty. You repeated it as a mantra; not guilty, not guilty, not guilty.

The only person that seemed surprised at your skill and growing bloodlust was Ren himself, unable to reconcile the woman who stroked his hair and whispered soft words to him every night with the warrior who often returned to the ship dyed red and harsh, like the suns shining on Tatooine. You could see him giving you sidelong glances, feel the concern he put off as he felt your own wildly fluctuating emotions.

But you were good at what you did.

You were okay.

You knew better than to get cocky, each time you exited the ship was a risk; both to your life and to the overall mission.

You could not get caught.

You had to remain a secret, the ace, the final card in the draw, so that when Ren stood on the battlefield at the end of the day, the First Order would claim victory over the rebellion, whether or not you stood by him would be up for debate.

Since he had returned the dreams had stayed away, from the both of you. A blessing you kept clutched deep in your heart every night as you curled your body around Kylo, embracing in the warmth, feeding off of the emotional turmoil you were both facing.

You had heard the Supreme Leader was pleased, apparently these visions of death had propelled you and the Commander deeper into the dark, each of you clinging to each other and eschewing the outside world, willing to give up the desire for goodness in return for the idea of safety and security.

Also because part of the reason your skill level was so high was because of the bond. With Kylo basically in your head, it was hard for you to screw up murder. He was very good at murder.

You had gained some sudden understanding as to why the Jedi order didn’t allow for emotional relationships like yours. The bond you had with Kylo…it was…intense. Intense in that even when you were apart you literally could feel him, his emotions, and even his thoughts if he was trying. It had…altered you. Even when sitting at your desk with Mitaka, something you had almost no time to do anymore, it was like he was just over your shoulder.

Most of the time you could keep it in, push his emotions down. Other times, not so much.

Poor Mitaka didn’t know what to do, and you tried your best to explain why your hair was always standing on end, and how once, when he had lightly brushed against you, you had almost broken his arm out of visceral response.

He had transferred off base two weeks ago, your last real friend gone.

You felt very alone, even with Ren inside of your head.

You had to be strong though, you couldn’t let him know.

Kylo was on edge, constantly. The only time you could get relief was at night, when he crawled into your bed, resting his head on your chest. It only spurred you on, pushing calming feelings and soothing thoughts through the bond, determined to take whatever burdened him and end it for good.

You knew that would mean surrendering him into the darkness forever. You knew the only way Kylo Ren’s soul would find peace was in the death of his old self, the death of the Jedi.

If that meant you had to kill a thousand innocents…perhaps you would. You had never claimed to be a good person, you had never claimed to be a part of the light.

You had never-

A gurgled breath behind you, you turned, pulling out your blaster and landing one solid shot to the face of the unfortunate woman who hadn’t died the first time.

Your job here was done.

_______________

 

You sat in the infirmary, your head pounding. It had happened suddenly, you had fired the shot, and then the pain, you had stared down, the dead body thrusting a sword into your side.

You had whispered a soft “o” placing your hand on the bleeding wound, aware of the severity of the wound. It was strange how detached you felt, even as the storm troopers approached, even as you lost consciousness.

Now you sat in the infirmary, again, as you had all those months ago, when you had been…different.

No Sarai this time, no Mitaka, no one to hold your hand or laugh at your attitude. No one to catch you if you passed out.

You wondered if this had been a part of the grand plan. If Snoke had a hand in isolating you, if it was just you and Ren, then you had no choice but to throw yourself into the job with abandon. But right now, laying in the infirmary bed and left alone to your thoughts you almost couldn’t bear your own loneliness.

But you had been lonely for a long time really.

Even before Mitaka left.

From the moment you first were chosen by Ren you forced loneliness upon yourself. Pulling away from your friends, turning inward, trying to grow inside so that he might notice you, notice your aloofness. Love you.

You had won his love, but at what cost?

No, the thought hits you like a Corellian freighter, you had been lonely even before that, even at the academy. An elitist streak ran through you, coupled with natural talent, you scared off more friends than you made. Before that, at home, a child who spent her time avoiding her nanny and playing alone, never brave enough to ask for company and too proud to accept it if it was over.

All of it could be traced back to your force, to that night as a child where you had discovered your powers.

Did the force naturally isolate its own? Forcing them to draw together? Forcing them into war? You idly fiddled with the throw blanket they had given you to keep warm.

You had already been bacta’d and bandaged, and you knew you could leave.

And yet.

And yet.

You laid there for a long time, unsure how much time had gone by, keeping your eyes closed. After all, if they thought you were asleep they couldn’t make you leave.

But the visions of battle haunted your mind, the smell of copper making bile rise in your throat. You realized you must be having some sort of a break down.

“Lieutenant.”

“General Hux.” You responded, keeping your voice neutral.

“A large rebellion vessel has been spotted, with intentions to land on a nearby planet.” You hummed in response.

“We are awaiting intel, however we believe that this ship contains both the Jedi, his apprentice, and Leia Organa.” You felt your body stiffen.

_So soon?_

“That is good news, General.”

“You should be healed by the time we take action.” He pauses, you could almost hear his question, but he refrains.

“I will await my orders, Sir.”

You don’t look at him, so you can’t see his eyes widen or narrow nor do you see him exit. Before long you drift off into a welcome sleep, glad for some freedom from the day.

__________

Ren was yelling, yelling at Hux. You could hear it, even from the spot in your own bed, in the sleeping quarters of the ship. You put the pillow over your head, trying to drown out something that was coming from inside your head. If he didn’t stop you were going to go crazy.

All this fighting about you, about the Jedi.

You could feel the tears trickling down your face as you buried them into the sheets of your bed, trying to smother the feelings. So many, too many.

You could feel the anger in Kylo soften, replaced quickly enough with concern. You knew he had ended the argument, and weren’t surprised when you heard your door open.

He whispered your name with such tenderness, yet you couldn’t move.

He pulled your blanket down, also tossing the pillow from over your head, he tugged you into his arms.

“You’ve been stronger than you have needed to be.” His tone is so soft, you bury your face deeper into his chest. “Taking all of this…all of me.” He was stroking your hair, and you could feel the familiar argument, about his own self-worth, about your presence in his life.

”Kylo, I’m so sorry you have to put up with me.” You blurt out suddenly, eyes welling up again. “I can’t control these feelings; I was doing so well. But now, now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.” You were rocking back and force, your breathing shallow, coming out in gasps. A panic attack.

“I’m the one who should apologize, I should have never broken protocol. I’ve brought you to this point. I am a monster.”

“No. No. I love you don’t say that. I want you. I love you so much.”

“ I love you too, I’m so sorry.” His guilt was painfully obvious, and equally crushing. You knew he felt worthless, and you knew that your sudden injury and illness was not helping. You wanted to stop, to be strong again, but it wasn’t that easy, this was a mental recovery. One you wished Kylo would take himself.

He was soothing you best he could, but the fear was so crushing, all roads led to this outcome. As you suddenly felt faint you couldn’t help but want to laugh. From the moment you were born you had been destined for greatness, a thought you had always had, well it was almost time to cement yourself in the history books too.

You clutched him close to yourself.

Soon it would be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters, babes! We are almost there!
> 
> Side note: As this story winds to an end, I think I would like to take one shot requests? I love one shots, I love writing them. What do you think? 
> 
> Camp went great, my team won, but my aunt is in the hospital with congestive heart failure so that has kept me very busy. She is doing way better now though, so I was able to finish this, finally.
> 
> Again, hope you like it, Comments are appreciated.


	17. In Which you reach the End but not the Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You would kill him with your bare hands.

You woke up early, knowing, just by the energy in the air, that today was the day. The long awaited event. You snorted. What a joke. The bed was plush around you, and honestly you just wanted to snuggle deep into the pillows and go back to sleep.

But you couldn’t.

You rolled over, intent on throwing your arm over your still-very-asleep commander, burrowing in your face into his shoulder, but he wasn’t there. _He wasn’t there._

You shot up, your heart pounding. If he wasn’t there, if you had those feelings.

Shit.

You stood up, running out of the room, out of your bedroom, out into the hall… _out._

The hall was painted a soft white, you could see a window with a billowing sheer curtain that seemed to blow in the breeze. It was so familiar; like something you couldn’t grasp. Something was off, something wasn’t right.

The breeze.

The finalizer didn’t have a breeze.

You scrambled over to the window, panting as you reached to look out. To look out over the beautiful blue water. _Naboo_.

You were in Naboo? You pinched the flesh of your inner arm, praying it was a dream. Praying that you were asleep still. That you would wake up in the small bed you always woke up on, next to your favorite dark haired menace.

You didn’t wake up.

You could feel the thoughts swirling in your head. The thoughts in your head. So many. You felt faint.

You grasped onto the window, your knuckles clenched against the edge of the fine marble. You were in your grandmother’s house, your mother’s house. The house you had always gone back to at the end of the day. The nausea swept over you like a wave, you vomited, out of the third story window.

How had you ended up here?

There was a pattering in the hallway, a soft hand grasped your own, leading you back to your room.

_What was happening?_

___________

 

Voices. They were speaking, Something about a fever, something about a nightmare. You were here and there. There was something you were supposed to remember, something just right there. Kylo. Ren. The Commander. Where was he. Why were you so confused? What was going on? Who were these people?

So familiar. You thrashed about, trying to get free. Something was holding you down. You couldn’t see-

You felt a prick in your arm, and immediately felt sleepy.

The visions flashed in your head, like you were dying. Were you dying? You didn’t want to die.

There was something wet on your face.

Water? Blood?

How long had you been here?

Someone was calling your name.

But not the person you wanted

No, where had the man with the dark hair gone? You seemed so far from reality.

You were _so tired_. You felt like you could sleep for a thousand years.

Then darkness.

__________

No one would tell you anything.

Mother wouldn’t tell you why you were back home, neither would father. They both walked around you like you were glass. Something breakable,

You had asked repeatedly. Threatened, even. Everything seemed a blur, the last thing you remembered was an attack, an explosion, you were working under General Hux.

You hadn’t minded Hux. He was much less frightening than Commander Ren. _At least the General never wore a ridiculous mask._

But that was all you could remember.

Nothing after that.

Your parents seemed relieved.

All they would tell you is that you had gotten sick, you had been discharged, honorably, and sent home.

Apparently that had been upon your request, although you had been doing so well, up for a promotion even! There was no reason for you to _want_ to come home.

Certainly not to your parents.

You must have been quite sick for them to insist on your return like that and for the General to grant it. He may have been less terrifying than the Commander, but he was still strict about protocol. Not everyone got honorably discharged.

To top it off, they wouldn’t let you call Mitaka. Absolutely forbid it. Something had happened on Starkiller. Something important, something involving you.

Something you apparently weren’t allowed to know.

You didn’t like being kept in the dark.

So a month slipped by, and then two. You recovered, slowly, your health returning, the nightmares becoming less frequent.

That was right, you were being plagued by nightmares.

Horrifying scenes of death and murder.

Scenes where you killed people.

Scenes where people you loved died, sometimes by your hand.

They all shared a common denominator. A beautiful dark haired man. Someone you swore you knew, but you just couldn’t place where.

You had tried to tell your mother, but she had only pressed a hand to your forehead. Told you it was just from being so sick for so long. Soothed you with tea, which you were almost certain contained opiates, and made sure to keep you busy with books, painting, or embroidery.

You felt like a teenager again.

A teenager about to run away from home if she wasn’t given more freedom.

You felt like you had lost your mind.

But you played your cards right. Pretended that everything was fine. Tried to stomach the food that you were brought, tried to make friends with the young ladies they had put in place to watch you. Tried to appear _normal._

Not your normal, their normal. You had been in the military for several years, you couldn’t just go back to this soft lifestyle.

Something you had never been a part of really.

You had to try, if you wanted any hope of leaving.

And damn if you didn’t need to at least leave the house. You were stir crazy, something you were glad your parents realized.

Which is how you found yourself sitting next to the lake that bordered the home, its crystal waters calming you, lulling you into a sleepy haze.

Then you saw it.

Just a glint, a spark almost, at the bottom of the lake. Shimmering a pearlescent purple.

_What was that?_

You felt something deep within yourself sing.

You needed to find out, you needed…

A voice called you from the shore.

Another time.

______________

_The dark haired man is on the ground, you are hovering over him, babbling incoherently._

_You know him somehow, you do, you must, since you have just kissed him on his bloodied mouth. Since you are clutching his bleeding form to your own like he is your beloved._

_What are you saying? You can’t make it out, even though the words are theoretically coming out of your own mouth, they are muffled. Like someone put a wall up to keep you from hearing. To keep you from knowing the truth._

_The man is dying? He is at least bleeding heavily._

_He keeps saying he loves you, that he is sorry. It seems disingenuous. Like something about this whole situation is…off._

_There is blood on your hands, and accomplishment. You’ve completed a task; you have done what you are supposed to. Yet, if this man dies, does any of it matter anyway?_

_You see a woman lying on the ground, well not really a woman, a girl._

_She is pretty, she is very dead._

_You killed her, you realized. In battle, just a moment before._

_You glance at your bloodied hands and at the man’s body and the girl’s. Why are you a monster?_

_You hadn’t been before, before, once you had been good._

_Once you had been weak._

_But something was wrong._

_This wasn’t a memory was it? This was a dream?_

_What was real?_

_You honestly didn’t know anymore._

_____________

You were crazy, you decided. Your medical discharge must have been because you completely lost your mind.

You were sitting on the edge of the lake in the middle of the night, having literally snuck out of your house, like you were a criminal or a child.

You’d come out here to find the shimmering singing stone.

Somehow, for some reason, you knew that it held the key to…something. Somehow it could help you remember what you had forgotten, help you find the dark haired man, help you break the wall. You just needed to find it.

You swam around, trying to adequately search for it. Cursing yourself for trying to find an object in the bottom of a lake in the middle of the night. You tried your best. Choosing to focus on the energy of the stone, you swam down deep several times. Each time coming up empty. Until, until…

_There it was_

You pulled it up, the stone seeming to glow in the moonlight. It sang to you, it _sang._

How? Why?

You swam to shore. Clutching it in your hand like you were afraid it would sink down again without taking you with it. As you scrambled back onto dry land you were overwhelmed with exhaustion.

What had gotten you to this point? Stealing away in the dead of night like some dancing girl to find some pretty bauble. You held it up in the moonlight. Waiting.

Something had to happen.

What was supposed to happen.

You closed your eyes, breathing in and out.

_Focus_

The echo in your ear.

Not your own voice, someone else’s.

You grimaced, focusing as much as you could. Gasping as the stone pulsated and glowed, coming to light under your touch.

The energy seemed to travel up your arms, filling your body.

And

And-

__________

_Everything is there. Laid out before you like an immaculate library. Your memories. The wall had crumbled, even as you reached out, eager to regain something you couldn’t remember you lost._

_There it all was._

_Starkiller._

_Saving Ren_

_Force sensitivity_

_Training_

_Mitaka_

_Falling in Love_

_The nightmares_

_The battle_

_Now._

_It was all in front of you and you were furious._

_Your dreams…_

_How much of your life had even been real?_

___________

_The battle was over. You stood over the body of the Jakku girl, to your far left was Luke Skywalker, dead and defeated, also by your hand._

_Ren hadn’t come for them; you had realized in the midst of the fight._

_He’d come for his mother._

_Come and claimed for death. General Leia Organa had lost. The resistance was broken. You were victorious._

_He was victorious._

_You were ushered off the field, unable to bring to words the oddity of the situation. The man killed both of his parents and yet…you couldn’t find it in you to blame him._

_Suddenly he was there, in front of you – a scene change- pressing his hands to your temples. You were screaming and thrashing, trying hard to escape his painful grasp._

**_You lied to me_ ** _you panted, clawing at his arms_

**_I did what I was told to do._ **

**_You were told to lead me on, to train me, to fuck me?_ ** _Your tone was savage. **You bastard, how do you even wake up in the morning?**_

**_The same as before_ **

**_You’re sick_ **

**_Strange words coming from a woman who indulged me so readily._ **

**_Fuck off._ **

_There was no way he hadn’t felt the pain. Your anguish and heartbreak. How he was able to take it was a mystery. You were destroyed._

_That was right. After the battle, he had come up to you. Announced your dismissal. When you had raised objection he had told you under no circumstance that with the Jedi gone he had no reason to continue to fake this love affair._

_His fake love affair_

_What a joke._

_It was the better deal, to just accept it and be sent off._

_But you couldn’t_

_So he had wiped your mind. Clearing you of everything even as you sobbed and screamed and fell asleep._

_So he had cradled you against his body one last time, denying he had ever loved you at all._

___________

They had sent you home. Only the barest pieces of information left for your family to piece together. Which, to their credit, they did. They put up with your violent mood swings. The pain of your bond being forced apart, the memory loss and repercussions of using the force in that way.

He had played you and dropped you and how dare he.

How could he

After he…

After you…

Wait.

The force bond.

That asshole had said he didn’t love you, but the force bond was still there.

You would get your answers or he would have to kill you for trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit.  
> Y'all I know some of this is confusing but reader is confused so everyone is confused.  
> I am so nervous/sad/excited for the next chapter.  
> The end!
> 
> Don't worry though, I'm sure I'll write something else very soon. 
> 
> I love you dearies!


	18. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it is the fate of star-crossed lovers, a pain that extends throughout the galaxy, the universe, forever changing the makeup of what it touched.

It was quiet.

Four days of silence.

Four days you spent locked in your room, meditating. Four days of missed meals, and the dull ache that formed in your stomach.

Four days of hurting as you tried to reestablish something that had been stolen from you.

On day three you seriously considered stopping, sure that whatever bond you had with the First Order’s famous force wielded mass murderer was ruined.

Then, as your despair consumed you, you felt it. A wisp of a familiar red, something you had found comforting once, something you now felt was bloodied and ruined. You had followed the trail, your mind’s eye taking you through the darkness of the channel, leading you all the way up to a wall so giant you couldn’t see the top.

The Commander.

He had built up quite a shield to keep you out, but he hadn’t broken the channel completely.

You had to sit for a moment, to think about it. It wasn’t adding up. He wasn’t adding up. Why the sudden shift, why why **_why._** You groaned in frustration. He kept the bond, the fact that you had a bond in the first place.

His guilt.

You bit your lip.

What had actually happened?

He had made you kill for him. But it wasn’t the deaths that got to you, death was a part of life, and it had been time…

It was the fact that he could so easily abandon you, throw you away, force your memories from you and leave you, broken and tired, for your parents to take care of.

When he knew everything about you, everything you had carried in your heart.

You sighed, returning to the task at hand, dismantling this wall.

Finding the weak point.

Another week slipped by

You joined your family, you laughed, you recovered.

You sent every bit of happiness you could through that damn connection, and when you returned, you could see the cracks start to form.

You sat, meditating at the lake sifting and forging through memories as you idly floated above the surface. Each one you pushed into the wall, each one cracked a brick, weakened the foundation.

You worked your way through them all.

From the beginning.

Your fear

Your admiration

Your frustration

Your attraction

Your affection

Your confusion

Your desire

Your love

When it finally collapsed, you were a little shocked. The memory had seemed arbitrary, you idly petting his hair as he fell asleep.

Nothing particularly intense about it, before your mind’s eye you watched the once sturdy wall tumble.

And you laughed. A harsh, bitter, jovial noise. A sound of victory in defeat.

You could feel the emotions bubble up over the bond, shock, perhaps fury, fear, and something else. Sadness.

You let yourself float gently on the water, your body consumed by the liquid as you allowed your emotions, as constructed as they were to move over.

**_“I know your secret, Commander”_** You let your body sink a little, your face falling just below the surface of the water, you clutched the stone tight.

**_“Get. Out. Of. My. Head.”_** His seething tone, you laughed, amusement flittering over the bond.

**_“Touchy, touchy for a man who felt nothing for me. Which, by the way, opens the door for me to ask…if you felt nothing for me, why the force bond?”_ **

Silence.

Oh. You felt something in you tighten, something you didn’t want. You didn’t want him to know that you still loved him. Hadn’t stopped. Probably would never stop.

You gasped for air at the surface, your body betraying you in its fatigue.

_________

You knew it was stupid to wait for him. To wait for him to respond to wait for him to come to you.

Days went by, there was nothing. No communication. No response, not after that first time.

What was worse, is that you had felt it. The stirring, the pain from him, the love. He loved you and he hurt you and how were you supposed to recover?

__________

It was dark and you were out at the lake again. A familiar place, somewhere that made you feel alive. Some days you felt like floating to the bottom, like dying.

There was nothing there and he didn’t love you. You were broken. You were.

Your parents put on a brave face as you turned inward again. You weren’t worth anything, too haunted to go back into the field, too broken to be given away as a wife and spend your days in happy mediocrity.

Not that you could even imagine life with another human being.

You made a decision. Something that you couldn’t walk back from. You clutched the crystal a little tighter.

This was just how things had to be.

__________

Ren had destroyed his room the week after he sent you away, decimated it, nothing salvageable. So overcome with his own pain, pain that Snoke said he needed if he wanted to be strong enough to bring the entire galaxy to kneel. He wasn’t done yet. The resistance might be destroyed, the Jedi gone, but he still had to continue, to finish what was started.

When the bond had reopened it had been so much pain he had cried out, all of your emotions meeting his in a crash that brought him to his knees. He couldn’t respond. He had to be strong, he had to be.

He could feel your emotions dull, a low ache that seemed constant. He heard your attempts patter off, felt the resolution in your bones.

Felt.

He felt…

Nothing.

A strangled noise left his throat as he curled up into a ball, clutching his knees to his chest, perhaps those were tears rolling down his face, he wasn’t sure.

_______

Months later a ghost, a shadow walked the path out to the lake, still so crystal clear and pure. Hands dipping into the water, a familial sort of pull that sent pain coursing through the veins. It wasn’t hard to find.

It was like it had been left there, purposefully. A beautiful opalescent stone that sung a sad tune when picked up.

Clutching it close to his chest the ghost vanished, taking with him all the pain and anguish that often followed star-crossed lovers.

Disappearing into the night, returning to something he could never escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.
> 
> Sorry this took so long, I literally wrote and rewrote it at least 11 times. 
> 
> I also got my wisdom teeth out and that really made life difficult.


	19. The End (fluffy, happy ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The idea of a star-crossed lover almost always denoted pain, but what if the stars crossed and stayed, two suns brought together by sheer will?

It was quiet.

Four days of silence.

Four days you spent locked in your room, meditating. Four days of missed meals, and the dull ache that formed in your stomach.

Four days of hurting as you tried to reestablish something that had been stolen from you.

On day three you seriously considered stopping, sure that whatever bond you had with the First Order’s famous force wielded mass murderer was ruined.

Then, as your despair consumed you, you felt it. A wisp of a familiar red, something you had found comforting once, something you now felt was bloodied and ruined. You had followed the trail, your mind’s eye taking you through the darkness of the channel, leading you all the way up to a wall so giant you couldn’t see the top.

The Commander.

He had built up quite a shield to keep you out, but he hadn’t broken the channel completely.

You had to sit for a moment, to think about it. It wasn’t adding up. He wasn’t adding up. Why the sudden shift, why why **_why._** You groaned in frustration. He kept the bond, the fact that you had a bond in the first place.

His guilt.

You bit your lip.

What had actually happened?

He had made you kill for him. But it wasn’t the deaths that got to you, death was a part of life, and it had been time…

It was the fact that he could so easily abandon you, throw you away, force your memories from you and leave you, broken and tired, for your parents to take care of.

When he knew everything about you, everything you had carried in your heart.

You sighed, returning to the task at hand, dismantling this wall.

Finding the weak point.

Another week slipped by

You joined your family, you laughed, you recovered.

You sent every bit of happiness you could through that damn connection, and when you returned, you could see the cracks start to form.

You sat, meditating at the lake sifting and forging through memories as you idly floated above the surface. Each one you pushed into the wall, each one cracked a brick, weakened the foundation.

You worked your way through them all.

From the beginning.

Your fear

Your admiration

Your frustration

Your attraction

Your affection

Your confusion

Your desire

Your love

When it finally collapsed, you were a little shocked. The memory had seemed arbitrary, you idly petting his hair as he fell asleep.

Nothing particularly intense about it, before your mind’s eye you watched the once sturdy wall tumble.

And you laughed. A harsh, bitter, jovial noise. A sound of victory in defeat.

You could feel the emotions bubble up over the bond, shock, perhaps fury, fear, and something else. Sadness.

You let yourself float gently on the water, your body consumed by the liquid as you allowed your emotions, as constructed as they were to move over.

**_“I know your secret, Commander”_** You let your body sink a little, your face falling just below the surface of the water, you clutched the stone tight.

**_“Get. Out. Of. My. Head.”_** His seething tone, you laughed, amusement flittering over the bond.

**_“Touchy, touchy for a man who felt nothing for me. Which, by the way, opens the door for me to ask…if you felt nothing for me, why the force bond?”_ **

Silence. Silence except for a sigh that that stilled your heart, a pained noise drawn from his throat.

Oh. You felt something in you tighten, something you didn’t want. You didn’t want him to know that you still loved him. Hadn’t stopped. Probably would never stop.

He loved you too.

You gasped for air at the surface, your body betraying you in its fatigue.

_________

Ren was desolate. He had destroyed your room the week after he had sent you away. The week after he had held you down and cleansed you of himself, releasing you back to your family, back to where you could be safe.

There was nothing left of the room but ashes. Charred remains of something he couldn’t get back. He was overcome with his own pain, pain that Snoke insisted he shoulder, and he had.

He had sent you away because it was either that or kill you, the orders had been clear. When he followed through it had killed a part of him, to see your face, to feel the visceral pain of heartbreak. He clutched at his own chest. He had wanted to be strong enough to bring the entire galaxy to kneel. He wasn’t done yet. The resistance might be destroyed, the Jedi gone, but he still had to continue, to finish what was started.

When the bond had reopened it had been so much pain he had cried out, all of your emotions meeting his in a crash that brought him to his knees.

How could he function when you were there, when you knew. When you knew he still loved you.

So he closed off.

He cursed himself for allowing his feelings for you to grow, for allowing himself to love you and to be loved by you, for forming the bond. Your pain was his fault, and although he had done many things he regretted, that would always be the most painful.

_________

You knew it was stupid to wait for him. To wait for him to respond to wait for him to come to you.

Days went by, there was nothing. No communication. No response, not after that first time.

Only feelings, anguish that filtered through the bond ever so often, feelings that made you wish you could go to him, clutch him to you, run your fingers through his hair, hide him from the world.

What was worse, is that you had felt it. The stirring, the pain from him, the love. He loved you and he hurt you and how were you supposed to recover? How were you supposed to recover without him?

__________

He made his decision, it was a routine mission, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t anymore.

The guilt was eating him alive. He had killed so many. The children, his father, his _mother._ He had sent away the only person who had ever made him feel human.

He stood in the center of the battlefield, and let himself fall. He had gone alone. When they dragged his body off, he knew the first order would never find him.

_______

It was dark and you were out at the lake again. A familiar place, somewhere that made you feel alive.

Tonight something was different.

You had felt it in the air, the subtle change putting you on edge.

As you sat by the water, clutching the crystal in your hand, you weren’t surprised to feel a hand on your shoulder, a familiar grip that sent shivers down your spine.

He slid his body behind you, strong arms settling around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder. For the first time in months you felt your body relax, tears pooling in your eyes.

“Kylo.” You breathed, as he kissed the tear rolling down your cheek.

“My real name is Ben.”

You laughed softly. One more name to add to his collection.

_______

You grinned brightly, clutching the squirming child to your chest even as he fought to escape. Finally letting him go as he ran to the water. Just up ahead a dark haired man, so familiar to you that your heart sang every time you looked at him, chased after a small girl.

Your family.

It had been five years.

The order had fallen, unsurprisingly. Not that you played a role in it. Without the Commander, it had no pull, no right arm of terror, no death mop.

You had laid low, your family providing shelter, albeit somewhat fearfully at first, to the man who you now called Ben.

You had started a family, two children, a boy and a girl, not twins. You thanked the stars for avoiding that coincidence. Each of them with names of no particular significance to either of your families.

Your insistence. You wouldn’t have these innocents, born out of so much love, suffer the pain of their ancestors.

You walked quietly over to the lake, the clear crystalline waters that had glorified your childhood, glad enough to share them with your own children, and your husband.

He jogged over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist, spinning you, kissing you. You laughed as he held you close, pressing his forehead against yours.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” His mouth found yours again, a much more urgent kiss, you responded in kind, knowing full well your children were probably watching in abject disgust.

Stars you loved him.

It wasn’t easy, he had so much guilt, so much to live with. You had told him time and time again that he couldn’t hold over himself the actions of Snoke.

Snoke had controlled him. Something you hadn’t realized the extent of until you had him, Ben, to yourself. Ben, Kylo, Ren, the Commander. The man you loved had lived in many minds for so many years.

But every day it got better.

And every night as you lay, your body flush against his, you knew that nothing in the galaxy would tear you away from him.

You were bonded, a bond stronger than Snoke, stronger than the Order, stronger than whatever had cursed his family all those generations.

Nothing would ever change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY MY FLUFFY NUGGETS.
> 
> The beginning is the same, mostly, but then things are very different, so enjoy the happy ending where our Disney prince Kylo Ren and our poor poor Reader are happy together.

**Author's Note:**

> After writing and rewriting and rewriting. I decided that happy endings were for losers so I apologize. 
> 
> and I added the more fluffy ending too, so pick your poison or give yourselves mood whiplash and read both.


End file.
